Not Mine, But...

I didn't write these. I got a kick out of them and thought you would too. If you're old like me, that is.

Hollywood Squares:

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

My Hero!

Casey Stengel was a colorful character who managed a number of baseball teams, including the NY Mets from 1934 to 1965.

The Press loved him, because he could always be counted on for great quotes. Here are some of my favorites.

Gotta love a kindred spirit!

Ability is the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Been in this game one-hundred years, but I see new ways to lose 'em I never knew existed before.

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.

Can't anybody here play this game?

Don't cut my throat, I may want to do that later myself.

Don't drink in the hotel bar, that's where I do my drinking.

Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa.

I came in here and a fella asked me to have a drink. I said I don't drink. Then another fella said hear you and Joe DiMaggio aren't speaking and I said I'll take that drink.

I don't know if he throws a spitball but he sure spits on the ball.

I don't like them fellas who drive in two runs and let in three.

I feel greatly honored to have a ballpark named after me, especially since I've been thrown out of so many.

I got players with bad watches - they can't tell midnight from noon.

I was not successful as a ball player, as it was a game of skill.

I was such a dangerous hitter I even got intentional walks during batting practice.

If we're going to win the pennant, we've got to start thinking we're not as good as we think we are.

If you're playing baseball and thinking about managing, you're crazy. You'd be better off thinking about being an owner.

If you're so smart, let's see you get out of the Army.

It's high time something was done for the pitchers. They put up the stands and take down fences to make more home runs and plague the pitchers. Let them revive
the spitter and help the pitchers make a living.

It's wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn't used to like.

Managing is getting paid for home runs someone else hits.

Most ball games are lost, not won.

Mr. that boy couldn't hit the ground if he fell out of an airplane.

My health is good enough about the shoulders.

No, even my players aren't players.

Now there's three things that can happen in a ballgame: you can win, you can lose, or it can rain.

Son, we'd like to keep you around this season but we're going to try and win a pennant.

Sure I played, did you think I was born at the age of 70 sitting in a dugout trying to manage guys like you?

That kid can hit balls over buildings.

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.

The Mets are gonna be amazing.

The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.

The team has come along slow but fast.

The trick is growing up without growing old.

The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It's that they stay out all night looking for it.

The trouble with women umpires is that I couldn't argue with one. I'd put my arms around her and give her a little kiss.

The Yankees don't pay me to win every day, just two out of three.

There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.

They got a lot of kids now whose uniforms are so tight, especially the pants, that they cannot bend over to pick up ground balls. And they don't want to bend over in

television games because in that way there is no way their face can get on the camera.

They say some of my stars drink whiskey, but I have found that ones who drink milkshakes don't win many ball games.

They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?

They told me my services were no longer desired because they wanted to put in a youth program as an advance way of keeping the club going. I'll never make the
mistake of being seventy again.

Two hundred million Americans, and there ain't two good catchers among 'em.
Wake up muscles we're in New York now.

We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren't drinkin' aren't hittin'.
Well, that's baseball. Rags to riches one day and riches to rags the next. But I've been in it thirty-six years and I'm used to it.

When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself
out.

You can't go out to the mound, hobbling and take a pitcher out with a cane.

You got to get twenty-seven outs to win.

You have to go broke three times to learn how to make a living.