Two Views!

Ok there's a few ways to tell a story, right? Let's look at this made-up tale as an example:

"I woke up, went out to the front door to get the newspaper. I looked across the street and saw my neighbor's house in flames. I ran in and called 911, and the Fire Department got there in time to save everyone!"

OK. Now Version 2:

"I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 7:30 AM. I figured I had a few minutes before I had to get ready for work, so I went down to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. I use Maxwell House coffee now because the Starbuck's coffee, which I used to drink and really liked, got so expensive.

Once the coffee was brewing, (I like to make sure the pot actually starts brewing, because sometimes I come back to find water all over the counter. You really don't want water running on the formica all the time, ya know?) I decided I would have my coffee while reading the newspaper. I prefer the Gazette now to the Examiner, because the delivery is so much earlier, and the paper is such a quick read. You can fold it a lot easier because they don't fill it with a lot of advertisments.

So I opened the front door, which I recently fixed because the hinges were all out of whack. I got the new hinges at Home Depot which had them on sale a lot cheaper than Lowe's, although Mary's husband works at Lowe's and tells me all the time that they carry stock so much cheaper. When I opened the door, I saw the newspaper exactly where I like it to be, which is why I give the paperboy a bigger tip these days. I thought for a minute that I smelled smoke, and was afraid that maybe my coffee maker had malfunctioned, because you can't always be sure with that stuff you buy in Walmart. But then I caught a flash from the corner of my eye, and for a second thought it just might be a glimmer of sunlight which wouldn't be unusual for that hour of the morning, being that it's summer and all.

Well it was then that I realized that Tom and Delores' house was on fire. They've been living there since 1975. I met them through Bill and Margaret who I knew from Church, and they're very nice people all around.

I didn't want to take a chance, being that so many people might have left for work already and might not see the flames, so I went back inside with the newspaper and set it down on the table. I wasn't sure if I should use the cell phone to make a 911 call, so I opted for the house phone, which of course, was nowhere to be found. Jane leaves the phone in the whackiest places, and since I've gone cordless, I haven't been able to keep track of where the darned thing is. Luckily there's a 'pager' function that you can use to locate the handset and it turned out it was in the living room. We're having that painted, so the phone was hidden under one of those blue tarps you see, which I'm not sure are better than the old canvas ones.

I dialed 911 and they picked up on the first ring, which really surprised me, since you hear so many bad stories about 911 mistakes these days. They ran a story like that on 'Dateline' this past weekend, which we watched off a recording instead of live because we were out on the boat with Phil and Louise, who are the best hosts in town when it comes to dinner parties.

I couldn't believe how quickly the fire department arrived. I could hear the sirens within a minute or two of making the call, and I was surprised I could hear them over the hum of the air conditioning system, which I have to have checked out before this summer is over.

Well I'm happy to say that the FD got the fire out pretty quickly, considering how intense the blaze was by the time they got there. The family got out in plenty of time, and I saw them all standing in their robes and pajamas, while the neighbors brought them drinks and blankets, which probably isn't necessary with it being summer and all.

Ok, you have to go now. Thank God for the Fire Department, huh?"

So...

Please tell me why, no matter what, I always end up with the Version 2 Tellers?

My ears bleed daily!

The Co-Op: Pump Up the Volume

So we have a problem with volume in the Co-Op. Volume as in "too damned loud!" There is a huge need for some sort of soundproofing, or perhaps maybe for me to go deaf so I won't notice so much.

I think there is a certain amount of self control necessary when working in an office where there are a lot of people making phones calls at the same time. It's not a good thing to be shouting over each other, especially when the people on the other end of the phones have to listen to this too.

Family Guy. Ohhh Family Guy. Shut UP. If there was ever a human being who should have come equipped with a volume knob, it's this nob. Oh my God, we tell this guy regularly that the's busting windows with his ridiculous phone-bellowing. We've even gone so far as to print a "Speak Quietly Please" sign on an 8x10 sheet, framing it, and putting it on his desk. For real. He inspires thoughts of violence in his co-workers. We like it when he's away.

Gramps also has frequency issues. See, somehow he's gotten the idea that if he's calling someone in California, say, then he has to yell very loudly on the phone because they're so far away. And he doesn't work up to a crescendo-he goes full blast right out of the gate, like a jackhammer.

H. blows by our office. He has a problem. He can't speak on the phone at his desk. It's like a compulsion; he has to wander the halls as he speaks. You know if you're standing on the street and a police car flies past with the siren wailing? Same effect. But the hall smells after that. Oh yay.

None of them should work in a funeral home.

Ow.

The Co-Op

Well, I'm going to go ahead and get started with my new series. There's one small change, though. Since "The Office" is a pretty famous show, and this blog is not, I'm going to title my series, "The Co-Op". I don't think my characters are anywhere as famous, but they are somewhat comical, and I'm going to try and share some of the idiocy with you.

I think the most appropriate way to begin a series like this is to do a cast introduction, don't you? So let's get that out of the way.

First up, one of our Stars. We'll call him "Family Guy" because, well, that's who he most physically resembles. It's kind of nice working with a cartoon character some days. I was going to call him "The Irritant" because he's like pepper spray, I'm telling you. I've seen Priests walk away swearing from this guy. He has a great habit of asking you how to do something, and then telling you how he thinks it should be done. He's the type of guy, you ask him what time it is, he tells you how to build a clock. They took away my guns, so Family Guy lives on. You'll see what I mean.

Slick. Be careful saying hello to Slick. He'll sell you something. He's an intelligent guy, well-versed in business, but has just gotten a little too carried away with Sales. Sees anyone and everyone as a prospect. Will try to sell you life insurance even after you've died. Talks about little else. I'm not sure he's alive after business hours. But man, he sells words to Mirriam Webster.

Then there's "Talk Show". Talk is a great guy, but he just talks way too much. And not ordinary talk-too-much, this can can actually make your ears bleed. There isn't a single subject on earth for which he hasn't formed a very long, drawn out Monologue. I dream about the horrors of a conversation with Talk Show. It's like that feeling you get in that brief moment between tripping and actually hitting the pavement. You know what I mean.

Say hello to "H". I call him that for a number of reasons, one of which is his extreme case of Halitosis. When breath is visible, it's not good. He's actually a nice guy who just doesn't know enough to turn off the "Happy". (another reason he's called "H" by the way) You're standing in a burning building with a T-Rex closing in on you, and this guy's talking about what a great day it is. No it's not. But the good thing about a burning building is, the smoke covers his breath a little.

Then we have our Supporting Cast. These guys don't figure into the daily routine as much, but they do add some spice to the show.

The Artful Dodger. This guy produces very little in the way of actual revenue. But man, no one, and I mean NO one sidesteps and double-talks like this guy. He is a human Book of Excuses, and I do believe could talk himself out of the way of a speeding bullet. He drops stories like some people drop litter. It flies, baby. I just love how fast he can cook up an excuse to do nothing. If this guy redirected his energy into actually being productive, he'd conquer the financial world in 4 hours flat.

Gramps is actually a nice old codger who has been in business since 1537. He was around when money was invented. Harmless enough except he runs a close second to Talk Show in the Loquacious Department. Any question you ask is met with a complete family history. He talks for a very long time about things; he goes on so long, sometimes, that he forgets what the actual conversation started out about. He knew Christopher Columbus personally, by the way.

Carly. As in Carly Fiorina. Carly is actually a smart Lady, just gets a little carried away, is all. She's always offering the better way to do things, tends to take everything over, and has even tried teaching me how to make my screw-ups into total disasters. Thinks everyone on earth should be a client, including opposums. Ever try to design a portfolio for a possum? Not fun. She did once, however, get a rock to open an IRA account.

Ricky Ricardo is a charming man. We like him a lot, we just haven't figured out what it is that he does. He speaks English occasionally, and sometimes even speaks to us. But he is a good guy. Part of the show will be to figure out his function.

And then there are the Spectres. No, not Phil. These are people who occasionally appear in the office. I think they work there, but I can't be sure. They'll get names as I see them long enough to figure them out.

I hope this is enough to get your interest. I really want to share some fun with you from the Co-Op. So stay tuned. You never know when they'll cancel us.