Out of the Depths...

Well, I managed to stay alive. I'm home, recuperating since last Friday. Surgery didn't go as planned, but that's for another time.

I've watched a lot of TV, while I convalesced, naturally. I've always thought that a culture's entertainment said a lot about that culture. And it's been pretty eye-opening.

What I've learned: I may be missing the boat.

Why?

I'm not deep.

At least not by the standards by which "deep" seems to be defined these days. I'm missing way too many opportunities, it appears.

I don't have "issues". I've looked everywhere, and I can't find them.

So I need to go get me some "issues"! Let's see...

One of my biggest flaws is "forgiveness". I'm one of those people who is very slow to anger. You can push and push, but once I get shoved across the line, I shut down and find it near impossible to cross back over. Considering, however, that I was forgiven by the best person I have ever known for something I did to her, I always thought my "flaw" just meant I was a hypocritical jerk. But I see an opportunity here to work on this and turn it into something I could blame on my parents! My "forgiveness" issue!

And how about this: I say what I mean. For example, I like blueberry pie. Very much. When I say that, I'm not saying that I hate apple pie, or that anyone who doesn't like blueberry pie is an idiot. But from now on, I should make it appear that there is a cryptic message hidden in every sentence I utter. My "hidden meanings" issue!

Or what could we do with this? A few of the women I'm friends with like a foot massage. I've always liked well-cared for feet, because it's a sign of good grooming, and I've studied massage therapy, so I thought it was a good fit! But, we can go all Freudian with this one...call it my "foot fetish" issue!

And in the past, if someone left the milk out, I'd say, "don't leave the milk out, ok?" I didn't brood about it for weeks, abusing everyone around me while I sorted it out. Hey, the milk would be spoiled by then, right? But this is a good time for "anger management" issues! "The milk's out again...get me Oprah Winfrey on the hop!"

When I was little, kids would tease me and call me "Lippy". It made me so mad! (I have funny lips!) Now my best friends call me "Lippy" and it's a term of endearment! I like you better if you call me that! They also call me "Loser" cause I stink at "UNO", chess and other games, but I love the trash talk! They call me "Jerk" and "Stupid" when I'm smart assy with them. Those, up till now, were "terms of endearment", and I loved it. Guess this could be my "self-esteem" issue!

And now, I can't walk without crutches. I also have a nifty leg brace to help keep me off the ground. I figured, give me my handicapped parking sticker, a couple of "Run, Forrest, run!" jokes, and life would go on. But, not any more. I need to have the world make this up to me now, ok? We'll call it my "entitlement" issues!

I can go out and drink, say foul things, behave horribly, and then check into rehab, instead of just admitting I'm an idiot! Britney and I could become BFF's!

Ahh yes. I can see it all fitting nicely. A couple of months down the line, you'll watch me on Dr. Phil. Yayyy!

But one thing though. I love when women wear boots. Uggs, Jimmy Choo's, Nine West, Manolo's, bring 'em on. I think it's so hot. We ain't touching that one, hear?

Good to be back. Issues and all!