Thursday, June 26, 2008

Out On The Verizon...

Being that I am a male, I have a genetic predisposition for exaggeration. You know, as in the 300-pound tuna I claim to catch is more likely a 5-pound bluefish.

But this is not an instance of complete exaggeration. This is a true, documented event. There will be some slight embellishments, which will be noted throughout. Be very afraid.

I plugged a phone into the second phone line in the house. I picked up the phone to dial and was treated to ear-shattering static (embellishment). I then began my ordeal.

I called 800-427-9977, which is the customer service number I was eventually able to extract from the Verizon website. I had to navigate through 10 steps on the site to get that number (embellishment).

I called the number, and was greeted by a lovely, warm female voice. This automaton inquired as to the purpose of my call. Once we came to our joint conclusion as to who I needed to speak with, "she" transferred my call. The line rang once, and then disconnected. I called back, and surprisingly, was greeted by the same female voice. We went through the same process, and again, 1 ring and disconnect. This went on until the fifth try when I actually got connected to a female voice belonging to an actual human being. Said human being told me I had reached the wrong place, and that I needed to call 800 275 2355.(not an embellishment)

Commence dialing 800 275 2355. To my utter shock and surprise, I was greeted by the very same female robot! Our reunion did not go well. We went through the foreplay and she sent me on my way to the repair center. I was treated to a repeat of the 1-ring-disconnect process 5 times. Each time I called back, I played footsie with the robot. At one point, when she asked me what I was calling about, I asked for a salami sandwich. She couldn't understand that (not an embellishment).

Upon reaching the next level of human contact, after 20 minutes, I was told by the human lady that I had to go outside the house (in the rain, not an embellishment) and plug a regular phone into the "interface" attached to the side of the house. Believe it or not, I actually had a "regular" phone in the house! I went outside onto the squishy lawn and found the interface. I had the foresight to bring my Phillips-head screwdriver with me (memories of prior experiences, mind you). Happily, I found that the screw in the interface was a flat-head screw. While I was readily available to find a regular phone in the house, a regular screwdriver was another matter.

I found one eventually, in the draw with the kitchen utensils (such a better place to keep one than a toolbox). I made it out to the "interface", talking to myself at this point, and opened it. I plugged the "regular" phone into the line and got the same ear-shattering static from a few hours ago (embellishment).

So now back to my automaton. I went through the dial-foreplay-1-ring-disconnect process. 9 times. NINE TIMES. Imagine what a stud I was feeling like, NINE TIMES in an afternoon. On the seventh try, the automaton told me her first name, and by the ninth we made a dinner date for Saturday (embellishment).

Now the steam is blasting out of my ears (not an embellishment) and oh man, I am ready! I am going to give someone a miniscule piece of my fragile mind. And just at the moment, the sweetest, most Grandmotherly voice answered the phone that didn't disconnect this time! I was totally disarmed and deflated, and I humbly and quietly told her everything I had done, and that I still needed repairs. I do not, however, need a date for Saturday night (embellishment)

Verizon told me that I am scheduled for repairs tomorrow, between 1 PM and the year 2015 (embellishment). I hope they fix it so that I can use my other line to stalk the automaton (not sure about this yet...)

The Grandma asked me something about Verizon FiOs, but I think not. Cablevision is my provider at the moment, and I only have to make 3 attempts to buy my Pay Per Views before I get to watch one. I don't think you can beat that.

Oh and Blogger STILL thinks I'm a spam-bot. Maybe that's why Verizon's automaton was so mean to me.


  1. You have the patience of a saint! Geesh! I'm so sorry but I was laughing through the whole post. My bad. ;)

  2. OMG...I'm not only laughing at your ordeal (I went through that last month when a tree fell on the phone lines), but also laughing due to the fact that I'm an operator for Verizon...LOLOLOLOL. sucks and it takes jobs away.

  3. Anonymous9:36 PM

    OMG...I am lol'ing, literally! Just the visual of you doing all those things, embellishment or not, it was damn funny!
    xoxo ~Myra

  4. I know the frustration....
    I'd stick with Cablevision too.

  5. Anonymous10:25 PM

    ok, I laughed but will tell you I'd of freaked grandma or not.. Can't you get a different carrier? geeeeeeeze I hate automation sometimes!!

  6. Anonymous10:46 PM

    When in doubt, I always press the button that says you want to give them money or owe them money......ya almost always get a live person. What an ordeal you went through. Anne

  7. Anonymous11:00 PM

    Too funny! Just when you think you can't muster up any more patience they send you a typical...I am so pleased that you were nice to the Grandma! Us Grannies appreciate you!


  8. Jeannette5:55 AM

    Lol! I went through the same thing a few weeks back with British Telecom over my phone line. It took over a week of talking to robots to sort it! I'm glad you got yours sorted eventually!

  9. I usually start hitting 0 til I get a live person! LOL

  10. Geeeez! Gotta love Verizon and ALL those automated services. The ones that get me are the ones where you have to SAY your acct number or name... and the dumb service cant understand what you said. It tells you to say it over like 5 times, then it finally says, "Please hold why we transfer you to a representative." Ughhhhhhhhhh!

  11. Anonymous9:19 AM

    Sorry you had to go through that...but thanks for the laugh : )

    I hate calling any customer service lately--DirecTv has been my worst experience though.


  12. Anonymous9:30 AM

    OMG!! I'm sorry, but I can't help laughing! Been there, done that. You more patient than me however.

  13. I love my verizon cell service, but I swear to God, their automated system can make you almost homocidal!
    I'm sorry though Jimmy...but this entry did make me laugh. haha!
    Love ya!

  14. Anonymous3:00 PM

    OMG, Jimmy!! That running out to the pole thing made me think of Green Acres when they had to climb the pole to use the phone!! I've been having phone/internet issues myself these days. Makes me want to scream, but then, if a woman screams in the country, will anyone hear? Not on my phone they won't!!


  15. Anonymous3:18 PM

    I'm just thankful you're still around to tell about it!

    What an ordeal! I put off calling any service rep. until it's absolutely necessary. I have only a few good hairs left, for goodness sake!

    Laughing Out Loudly,


  16. Are we on the same land line? (winks) Seriously I was trying to make an eye exam appt. and ending up getting disconnected 5 different times. Add in the fact I have to call the relay service first, who then connects me to the number I want. Even the relay operator felt bad for me because the damn thing wouldn't stay connected. I'm convinced all electonics are posessed and will one day take over the world. Hope Verizon comes through for you hon. (Hugs)Indigo

  17. Anonymous3:49 PM

    OMG!!! Too funny! (funny only when it isn't happening to YOU huh?!) I've been there done that, isn't is a fun way to spend your day?!!! I detest, loathe those automated phone *&$^%#@!'s. Along with being frustrating, they put people (operators) out of jobs. Customer service is just about NON-existent these days. Good luck waiting for the tech to come to repair your problem!!!!!!

  18. This was one of those stories that goes in the sad, but true file and the I'm sure I'll laugh about it later file.....

  19. I... just... love you lol I needed to read this today.

    Not only did I need the laugh, I needed to know worse days DO exist out there! lol

  20. Anonymous8:59 AM

    I hate Verizon. They cost too much and they do too little. And I wonder each time I was cut off what happened to their 'network.' I mean did they chose that particular moment to all go to lunch at the same time? I mean would I find them all sitting down at the Mexican restaurant down the street enjoying a burrito or something while I searched all over hell for one of my kids? I hate Verizon. I switched to AT&T. And to think I felt that way about them before getting MCI.

  21. Anonymous11:09 PM

    I have Verizon for my cell service and absolutely hate to have to call them for anything!!!!! I totally feel for ya on this one!!
    Love ya babe!!


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