HOUSE PARTY!!!!!!!!!

Ahh, New Year's Eve...Amateur Night Round The World!

When you get to be a parent, the New Year's Eve rules can change a little bit. You really can't go out raging, 'cause it's really hard to find a babysitter who's willing to spend the next three days at your house for $2 an hour. So you oftentimes find yourself at "The House Party" with other parents for the evening.

If you're lucky, you already know everyone, so you can skip all the "so what do you do for a living?" type of conversations. So it was good that it worked out that way last night, 'cause I hate having to tell strangers that I'm a mob hit man.

It wasn't all good, of course. One of the kids showed up one of those Nintendo Wii things, with all its loud noises, crazy hand motions, and all. Brat wouldn't let me have a turn no matter what.

But I got past that.

You have to be on top of your game when you go to a "House Party". In case you haven't done one yet, there's always next year, and here are some tips to make sure you get it right:

Get your seat scouted out right away. Find a comfy couch, and make sure it's not near someone who's already blotto'd when you get there.

Get the remote, tune it immediately to Dick Clark's show, and then toss the remote out the window. Come midnight, no one will be in any shape to start looking for it.

Keep your ear tuned to the hosts voices, so that you hear them right away when they announce "time to eat". Otherwise you'll wind up being 183rd in line and all the good stuff will be gone by the time it's your turn.

And speaking of "good stuff", if you're up at the front of the food line, and you spot something good, immediately put the cover back on that tray. Chances are, no one will uncover it too quickly, and there will be some left if you want seconds. Leave the cover off when you take the second helping, because it's not likely you'll get away with that again.

Another "food tip"- try and taste things before you commit. It's very difficult to discreetly get rid of something yucky with all those people around.

DRINKS! Be sure to grab two of what you're drinking. This will lower the risk that someone will grab your seat when you're off getting more. But don't grab more than two; this will increase the odds that nature will call, and you'll come back to find someone sitting in your seat.

I do like house parties though. There's so much less pressure, you don't generally need bouncers, and it's just more comfortable. Ever notice, though, when you stand up and say "anyone need anything?", everyone says "yes"? I've gotten so good at being a Stupid, though, that people tend to avoid asking me to do anything to help.

Being around other people's kids will do one of two things...you'll either realize how good your kids really are, or, you'll need to make "be a better parent" one of your New Year's resolutions. It's cool if the kids all get along, though. Leaves you to have some fun of your own, and watch Dick Clark, too.

I just hate one thing though. No matter what I do, it seems every year, at the end of the night, the old car keys are gone. Don't know how or why it happens, it just does.

And see, at the House Party, the rules are again different. If you're out raging at some club and you come up keyless, might as well just call a cab, 'cause no one will care, and no one will help you find them. It's just not worth it.

But at the house party, it goes a little different. Someone will notice you looking, ask what you're looking for, and begin to help. Then someone else will notice and join in, and so on. Soon you've invented a new party game, "Find The Loser's Keys". But it can lead to trouble, because inevitably the questions come:

"Are you sure you had them with you?"
yeah, I can't hotwire my car

"Where did you put them last?"
I'm positive I put them right next to your brain, so I guess it's a lost cause

I hate starting the new year with a fist fight.

Nah, I'm just being stupid as usual. I really did have a great time last night. I mean I really wish I could have played with the Wii thing (ha, THERE'S a loaded statement) but overall it was great. My friends and I are all really good at whipping up some serious chow, and plenty of it. The hosts are the best. I asked them if I could put there address here so y'all could come next year, but they said no. I'll work on that.

I hope everyone has a fun, happy and prosperous New Year. Next year, party's at my place, ok?