Monday, January 15, 2007

Cooking With Stupid

I had a chance to do some fancy cooking this weekend. I'm not bragging, mind you, but I have learned to get around in the kitchen pretty well. I picked up some great tips over the years, and thought I would just pass some of them along today.

  • We should really be painting houses with tomato sauce. It lasts forever. If you should happen to splatter some on your favorite shirt or blouse, you should immediately take it off, roll it up and dunk it in the pot of sauce. It's not coming out.

  • Similarly, if you run out of cement when building your next brick house, you can easily substitute pancake batter. It will stay in place 100 years longer than conventional concrete.

  • Metal handles on metal skillets tend to get as hot as the rest of the pan. This is why we should use those pot holders that we occasionally get as Christmas gifts.

  • The more expensive the cut of meat, the faster it goes from "medium rare" to "burnt"

  • Chefs will tell you that it's perfectly ok to eat the little bones in Salmon. That is only because they are too lazy to take them all out

  • The more difficult your party menu is to prepare, the more staunchly your guests will refuse to leave the kitchen and get the hell out of the way. "Can I help?"

  • Rachel Ray frequently says "E-V-O-O" to save time when referring to Extra Virgin Olive Oil. But then she always says "Extra Virgin Olive Oil" in the same breath, so it's not really saving time, and she should stop that. Professional chefs don't care for Rachel because she cooks as well, if not better, than they do, but she didn't go through 100 years of culinary school.

  • People will tell you that they came up with their own version of a recipe, but that usually just means they didn't have all the ingredients for the original recipe and didn't want to run to the store

  • Souffles suck. No one really likes them, but they don't want to tell you because they know how hard you worked to make it.

  • If you want to know what happens when you mix all the ingredients for guacamole dip in an uncovered food processor, let me know. I'll email you

  • There are many varieties of cutting and chopping tools available now. They all come with manuals that warn of the dangers of misuse. They didn't make these up to fill a page or two in the manual.

  • So there you have it. I hope that at least one person likes this article, because I have lots more of these little pointers to share in the future. It's just that these burns make it hard to type...


    1. Anonymous10:22 AM

      LOL! Brilliant.
      Rachel is on in the background, as I type. But that's just because DENNY of Grey's Anatomy is coming on. He so reminded me of you.

      (email me about the Guac.)


    2. I was wondering......
      Do you sleep well at night??

    3. hhhhmmm, Jimmy... interesting pointers... sounds like some interesting stories you have.. (grin)


    4. Helpful hints
      1. Carry "Tide stain remover" at all times
      2. Wear white when cooking, Clorox usually can take everything out, if you in the kitchen use a little dishwasher detergent on the satin, but only on white!
      3. Wear an apron

      As for dinner...the best hassle free dinner is the kind where you have to pay for it.
      Either way you have to pay, so why not go OUT for dinner, no hassle that way
      ; )

    5. Anonymous11:57 AM

      Jimmy, I love your tips. Thanks! I'll remember them, especially the guacamole one! Oh and the sharp tools one. LOL too funny you are.
      Have a good Monday.

    6. Anonymous12:23 PM

      Profound! To say the least. Especially about the pancake batter. Just think of the ruins we'd still have if the ancients used that instead of mortar!

    7. Your Rachel Ray sounds like our Delia Smith. Enjoy these pointers, yes please for more :o)
      Sara x

    8. Anonymous5:24 PM

      I thought you went private or left completely and here is where you are hiding! Uh oh, maybe I wasn't supposed to find you. :-) I came by way of Alpha Woman. Loved the tips - it certainly provided a few chuckles.


    9. Anonymous8:13 PM

      When all else fails....stay out of the kitchen. It works for me!


    10. Anonymous7:25 PM

      Hilarious. Funny funny man.

      Lady M


    I love comments. I won't lie about that!