In A Pinch

In the past year, I've learned a thing or two about responding to emergencies. Thank God there are some very sensible ways to handle real-life situations, because in the world of "quick-fixes", I must be in the wrong solar system.

There are way too many products that have failed me in a pinch. Too many times, these things didn't come through when I needed them most.

I have never fixed anything with Krazy Glue. I'm sure if I managed to snap a balsa wood board in half, this product would do just fine. I'm reminded of a long-ago Christmas night, trying to desperately repair a broken toy using this stuff. The only things it stuck together were 4 things I didn't need it to. Luckily, my ski gloves were mittens that night.

Anbesol, Ora-Gel, same thing. No luck, no relief. After using those, I had a numb tongue to go with my still-aching tooth. I think there should be some sort of study to figure out why toothaches only happen at 2 AM, and on holidays.

Similarly, I can remember using this goop designed to act as a temporary filling. Picture a toothache accompanied by a mouth full of Play-Doh. At 2 AM. On Christmas.

AOL. I was a paying customer for years. I'm not sure why. Every time I had to bang out a late-night email to save the day, thanks to America Online, the day was not saved.

And who among us hasn't desperately hoped against hope that that the Emergency Tire Repair in-a-can would come through. Yeah it came through: right through the nozzle and all over the pavement. And my hands. It did get the Krazy Glue loose, though.

My most recent debacle was using one of these on-the-spot Spot removers, be it Tide To Go or whatever. This product transformed a spot of tomato sauce on my shirt into a glaring announcement: "This nitwit needs a bib."

If you've had success with any of the above, I applaud your good fortune. But I'll bet there are more than a few like me out there. We're easy to spot: we're the guy driving down the street on a flat tire, with a big stain on our shirt, and one eye in a permanent wink, moaning from tooth pain, and holding something broken.

Wave when you see us.