So now that Pop is living here, I expected a lot more people to at least stop by and say hello. He's local now (in some cases, very local) to a lot more folks than he was.
I'm a little surprised about something that's been said to me by some of those people.
Basically, the sentiment is along the lines of: "I would really rather not see him in this condition. I'd rather remember him the way he was."
Pop isn't dead. This isn't about a wake. The man is alive, conscious, cognizant.
The man is alive.
I'm usually what I would consider "sensitive" and "respectful" of others' feelings, but I think that is a major crock. What a horrible thing to think of.
This man should be punished for being sick with cancer because a bunch of people are, once again, thinking of themselves? A visit with him isn't about you, my friends, it's about him.
Are you kidding me?
You don't want to spoil your memories of him?
I personally think this is just another bullshit rationalization to explain away not putting themselves to any inconvenience. They all knew where he was when they needed money (lots of it) or a place to hang out (he always had nice boats that people should also have fond "memories" of.)
I'm getting really sick of the kind of people I'm coming into contact with more and more. When the hell is the Me Generation going to get a grip and drop the whole "all about me" crap? And stop spewing this Dr. Phil kinda garbage. Not everything on Earth is designed with "your feelings" in mind.
I just had to spit that out there. It was leaving a lump in my throat.
Sounds like fair-weathered "friends", using the word friend very loosely. Your Pop is better off not having those jerks visit him. Those same people will, one day, be either ill or old, or both, maybe then they will have plenty of time to think back on how they've treated people.
ReplyDeleteIf they think it's hard "on them" to see Pop in that condition, can't they think about how hard it is for HIM??? Tragedy, hardship, and illness either bring out the best or the worst in humanity. You're an example of the former.
It is a lot of bull with people when others are not in the same situation glad you got this off your chest people are a real pain in the ass jerks a lot more often than we realize sometimes hang in there give pops a hug from me and i send you a BIG HUG for being there for him that says volumes about you!~hugz.kbear
ReplyDeleteDon't let these stupid, inconsiderate people get to you. Just make sure they don't say stupid stuff in front of him.
ReplyDeleteMarie
Makes you realize what stupid things people say, doesn't it? I've said stupid things, but never to be inconsiderate of others feelings. I'd prefer to remember ME when I didn't weigh as much and had good feet too, but reality is that we are blessed with THIS day, so make the most of it without causing harm to others. You could always ask this question, "Would it really hurt YOU to be kind to him?" He always has spoken so kindly of YOU!" Anne
ReplyDeleteaww the whole entry leaves alump in my throat too.....some people are just too uncomfortable, reminds them of their own mortality and "it could be me" thinking...so avoid it at all costs, pretend it didn't happen, remember "what was" is sad, but oh so true, forgive them jimmy, they know not what they've done or however the saying goes...netti
ReplyDeleteJimmy,
ReplyDeleteCan you be a little more specific as to the input you're wanting? I don't think ANYone would disagree with your point, nor would they admit that they too, might be one of those people who avoid people/situations like Pop's.
Are you asking if you should say something to these folks, and if so, how would you say it?
Just clarifying so I could be more helpful.
Nance
Grrrrrrr... I agree with you.. it's a piss poor excuse... lazy sods ... If I was closer, I'd be there in a heartbeat... he could use the company. Glad YOU are there for him.
ReplyDeletehugs
d
We are so terrified of death in this country, aren't we? But as my Scandinavian mother used to say, "Death is part of life". I just read Kate Braestrup's wonderful book, "Here if you need me", in which she discusses this...taboo...at length and with some humor thrown in. I get incredibly tired of the "Me me me" generation.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
Judi
Jimmy, my friend, it was the same way when my brother was dying. People wanted to remember him the "way he used to be" not the "way he is" right now. I'm with you about that being a bunch of BS! It's not about YOU.. it's about HIM! He still needs love and attention, and to see that his friends and family still love him and want to be near him, just as they did before. This is an issue that really upsets me beyond belief. I'm glad you got in off your chest! Maybe someone will read it and get the message, you know?
ReplyDeleteAs usual, it's times like this when real friends Pop has'nt seen in a while show up and the friends he thought he had dissapear. God, how I hate this culture WTF, do they mean, I would rather remember him as he was????? Tell em all to get a life Jimmy.
ReplyDeleteThat's sad that they could be there when it was in their best interest but not now.
ReplyDeleteBut...and not to agree with how they act because I think it is awful...I think people hate to see someone with cancer or other illnesses because it is a very real reminder that we are all here for a relatively short time and it will end one day for all of us.
We all know it...but try not to dwell on it.
anonymous above was me...forgot to add my name.
ReplyDeleteTracie
Hi Jimmy,
ReplyDeleteThis is going to sound terrible, but I think it must be human nature. I've seen the same thing time and again -- often with that same sort of lame excuse ("I just want to remember him the way he was"). I think some people can't handle it ... they're afraid they'll break down, react badly, or say the wrong thing. Like you say, they're thinking of themselves. The other thing I've noticed is that sometimes these same "friends" aren't there for you later to help in your grief (no card, no call, no nothing). On the other hand, often people who you would never expect to be there for you go out of there way in times of need. Strange, isn't it?
Best,
Marty
I understand. When Mom was sick last spring and especially that last week, there were a lot of people having that same sentiment. They would call and ask how she looked (sick, frail, weak, I would say). Let me talk to her, but I don't think I want to see her like that they would say. Finally, I just told them she was to weak to talk on the phone. If they couldn't come by, screw them.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're taking care of Pop. It's not easy, but it's the right thing to do.
Jackie aka Bamawmn
Unfortunately, it is a ME ME ME epidemic running rampant! You see it on the streets, drivers, cell phone users, etc. How can we change it? We start with ourselves, because that is all we can control. Everyone else will have to wake up on their own, if they ever do. I think all those people who don't visit Pop, too, are thinking, "he's being taken care of, so the responsibility is off me". Oh, yeah, thats still the ME mentality!
ReplyDeletexoxo ~Myra
This shows people's true nature. I couldn't imagine not visiting someone sick that I truly cared about. I agree with you...as I think anyone with feelings would. I don't think you need input... this was something you needed to vent.
ReplyDeleteThose people aren't worth it... but your father is.
~Jaime (ChaseNKids)
Wanna really freak em out? Try doing a living funeral... People seriously can't handle that. And it's total bull. The entire point of one is so that everyone can see the person who is terminally ill while they're still very much alive and coherent. I knew someone that did it... people chickened out all over the place... It was just disgusting. Is it really that hard to make peace, say you love them, and leave with a strong memory, knowing you gave them something? Sorry, I'm getting pissed. I just hate people like that. I really really do. My cousins wouldn't even come visit my grandpa when he had cancer. I'll never forget that. I can't forgive them for it. I had to make my peace with him and they should have too. He NEEDED that and they wouldn't give it to him.
ReplyDeleteSorry I really am getting way too upset thinking about this. I really don't want to make things worse by bitching.
Just know I understand... I really do.
~Lily
No one WANTS to see someone in pain... Very difficult times bring about all sorts of hard emotions that come and go ~ strength and understand comes and goes. It is my hope, that those who have always known and cared for and about him, will come to their senses and find the courage to what should be done. If they don't, regret will linger long after the chance is gone.
ReplyDeleteBut more than that, my hopes are with you, Jimmy. That you continue to find the strength you need as each new day presents itself.
::hug::
Michelle
I wish I knew what to say Jimmy. Basically people are thoughtless and an uncaring lot these days. I absolutely hate hospitals, yet I'm there visiting Doc's mom as often as I can. I want her to feel loved, not neglected because she is sick. In the end these ignorant idiots can't concieve that logic. Seeing how much your loved and missed gives one hope and courage. I'm truly not surprised at the "conventional" excuses. I was on that tightrope when I went deaf. Everyone seemed to disapper right along with my hearing. One friend even went so far to say, your not the same. No, I'm not I'm missing a huge chunk of who I was with my hearing. Doesn't mean I didn't still need people around me. Wish I was closer hon, I'd visit Pop and you both. (Hugs) Indigo
ReplyDeleteMy Mom had Parkinson disease. That was awful. There were times when I had hard times getting to her and there were times that when I did see her, that I just hurt for her. I understand what you're saying. You put aside your own feelings in order to take care of someone you love. Still, it isn't easy. Take care of yourself the best you can.
ReplyDeleteJude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay
Here here. I've tasted and spewed the same foul awareness. (((J)))...no worries, though...your Pop knows (and has known all along) who the real ones are. ;) C.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you, we live in a throw away , self absorbed , me ,me society
ReplyDeleteyou love someone beyond the end of life and you enjoy having them in your life for as long as you can.
I agree with you JP. People just use that as an excuse to not have to visit someone in need. Beleive me, if pop had something to give them they would be more than willing to come visit. I'm am so lucky that my family isn't that way, or at least I hope they aren't. I'd like to think that if I was in bad shape and not able to do the things I am accustomed to that people I love would come to me to make my life better. Love is powerful and for all these people that don't have the time to show that may end up in that same predicament someday and how will they be able to feel differently when the shoe is on the other foot? Hold people near and dear. You are very special Jimmy. Luv ya! : )
ReplyDeleteI have walked many miles in those very same shoes. My husband's friends faded fast and far, except for one, and the sad thing is that you hit the nail on the head here, no time to give of themselves, whatever excuse they want to use. Even family was too busy to give the one thing that would have meant so much. Time. There isn't much you can do about the jerks, but maybe wish them the same kind of loneliness when it's too late to do anything about it(sometimes, I get a real mean streak.) I've read here for some time and only left one or two comments, but I think you are a wonderful caring person to be there for "POP". I'm sending along some positive thoughts. Blessings to you, Leigh
ReplyDeleteWow. I know people say and believe that at the wake, for example, but as you say, he's ALIVE! He's still Pop. Not the same, but still Pop, still there, so WTF? I'm so sorry. They can still remember him as he was, also. I don't remember my father only from, well, I found him after his aneurysm, but I try to remember the whole of him that I know of. If they can't think of him, do they really care?, what's the point of remembering him THEN if they don't care enough now? Argh, obviously, I"m ticked along with you. Glad it was a crowd for T-day:)
ReplyDeletePeople are stupid!
ReplyDeleteLove ya babe!
Erin