Saturday, November 11, 2006

Things I Get Smacked For

So I don't know if what I have qualifies as a "sense of humor". Most times, my remarks elicit groans, usually accompanied by a good smack. It's been that way all my life.

When I was 12 or so, I said to my Mom, "It's a good thing you named me Jim."

"Why?", she asked.

"'Cause that's what everybody calls me."


I remember my wife, some 10-15 years ago, having a Drama Moment, and saying "You never say anything nice to me."

I thought for a minute.

I didn't agree with her, but there was no upside to arguing the point at that minute, being that it was a Drama Moment and all. So I sat back, and came up with this:

"OK, how about this? Your In-Laws are a hell of a lot nicer than my In-Laws."

I got a smile from her. Then 30 seconds later, I got a smack from her.

I once hit her with "Yeah? Well if I were half as smart as you are dumb, then I could rule the world."


It happened with my friends ("hey, you're not the worst driver in the world, but when that guy dies...)


We had a really distant relative die one time, and I remember a week or so later, saying (at the dinner table) "You know what Uncle Ned would be doing if he were alive today?"

"No, what?"

"Scratching at the coffin."

That wasn't a smack. That was the Slapping Cloud of Death coming at me in the form of my Mom.

I was good at passive-aggression, which is a sure-fire way to get smacked. I said to one friend "It's so remarkable that a person of your caliber has come so far!"

She could hit. Hard.

But the biggest beatings I have ever taken, involved Britney Spears.

When she and I were married...

yeah right.

Britney Spears is a person. She is also an Entertainer.

I don't know Britney Spears as a person. And the way the world is, I probably never will. (although I DID go to her NyLa restaurant in the 7 hours it was open for business). What I do know about Britney is that she had a new kind of act, she was a really energetic performer, and she was kinda fun.

Yes and she isn't too hard to look at

I remember once being at a party, wandering through one of the rooms where there was a large screen TV. I looked and Britney Spears was on.

I stopped and said, kind of to myself, "Oh I like her."

You'd have thought I had just announced that I loved Hitler, by the reaction I got from the women I'm friends with. It was a roar, in unison.

"She's a slut" "She has no talent" "Are you kidding me?"

And of course, smack. Smack, punch, kick, smack, (even got a hair-pull)

Ah yes, I try.

Rich or poor, it's nice to have money.

Smack line starts at the rear of the building.


  1. LMAO...I like your sarcastic sense of humor. BTW, I'm getting in the car and driving to said

    Annie =)

  2. Anonymous11:13 PM

    Brittney is a slut with no morals. She's not the sharpest tool in the shed either. What was she thinking when she married Kevin Federline? (And of course we all knew that one wouldn't last)

  3. If your women friends are like me, we only smack the ones we love.

  4. Too much to comment...not enough time.


  5. I thought I commented but looks like I didn't Lol.

    This was great Jimmy, Britney is looking HAWT!!! I can admit it and more power to her. She is working hard (on her body at least) and she should be proud.

    I wish I could do that! haha


  6. I thought I was the only one with these kind of comments. The difference between you and me, however, is that I have learned to keep those comments to myself more often. ;)

  7. I think you and I have had similar experiences. The first time I saw Britney Spears, it was her first video, you know, the one where she dances around the high school halls in her little private school girl uniform. I took one look at the TV, and said, "I don't like her."

    In response to the quizzical raised eyebrows that generated, I replied, "she makes me think impure thoughts."


  8. ROFL, I literally had to wipe my eyes after the one about your dead uncle! That was classic! My husband has a similar sense of humor, he gets beat a lot! LOL


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