Things I Get Smacked For

So I don't know if what I have qualifies as a "sense of humor". Most times, my remarks elicit groans, usually accompanied by a good smack. It's been that way all my life.

When I was 12 or so, I said to my Mom, "It's a good thing you named me Jim."

"Why?", she asked.

"'Cause that's what everybody calls me."

Smack.

I remember my wife, some 10-15 years ago, having a Drama Moment, and saying "You never say anything nice to me."

I thought for a minute.

I didn't agree with her, but there was no upside to arguing the point at that minute, being that it was a Drama Moment and all. So I sat back, and came up with this:

"OK, how about this? Your In-Laws are a hell of a lot nicer than my In-Laws."

I got a smile from her. Then 30 seconds later, I got a smack from her.

I once hit her with "Yeah? Well if I were half as smart as you are dumb, then I could rule the world."

Smack.

It happened with my friends ("hey, you're not the worst driver in the world, but when that guy dies...)

Smack.

We had a really distant relative die one time, and I remember a week or so later, saying (at the dinner table) "You know what Uncle Ned would be doing if he were alive today?"

"No, what?"

"Scratching at the coffin."

That wasn't a smack. That was the Slapping Cloud of Death coming at me in the form of my Mom.

I was good at passive-aggression, which is a sure-fire way to get smacked. I said to one friend "It's so remarkable that a person of your caliber has come so far!"

She could hit. Hard.

But the biggest beatings I have ever taken, involved Britney Spears.

When she and I were married...

yeah right.

Britney Spears is a person. She is also an Entertainer.

I don't know Britney Spears as a person. And the way the world is, I probably never will. (although I DID go to her NyLa restaurant in the 7 hours it was open for business). What I do know about Britney is that she had a new kind of act, she was a really energetic performer, and she was kinda fun.

Yes and she isn't too hard to look at



























I remember once being at a party, wandering through one of the rooms where there was a large screen TV. I looked and Britney Spears was on.

I stopped and said, kind of to myself, "Oh I like her."

You'd have thought I had just announced that I loved Hitler, by the reaction I got from the women I'm friends with. It was a roar, in unison.

"She's a slut" "She has no talent" "Are you kidding me?"

And of course, smack. Smack, punch, kick, smack, (even got a hair-pull)

Ah yes, I try.

Rich or poor, it's nice to have money.


Smack line starts at the rear of the building.