Both Sides Now

There are stories it's just better not to tell. I used to talk so much on my old Journal about the way my marriage ended, how it felt, etc. And I realized that wasn't very fair, because like it or not, you paint a picture that's very one-dimensional, and of course, people who like me or read me could get a very skewed picture of the situation. I could wind up presenting an unflattering and unfair description of her.

I began to lay off that issue altogether for those reasons. She is a very nice person who you'd all probably like very much. She's very sociable and friendly, and is someone her friends know they can count on. She is a very good mother, who sees eye-to-eye with me on child-raising matters. We both agreed a very long time ago that those children needed to be Priority 1. It just had to be that way.

I think being very practical and pragmatic is a good thing. We work together with those kids, and I'm as involved in their lives as possible. People have remarked on-sometimes in a complimentary fashion, sometimes not-my involvement not only with the kids, but with her. We were friends before we were married, and I like to think we are friends now.

The only thing is, though, I didn't want that to end. I really didn't, and I did what I could. It became obvious that we weren't hurting each other so much, but that it was affecting those children, so I accepted the inevitable.

It's been 7 years now. The thing is, every night that I go to sleep without those kids near me, it hurts as much now as it did that very first night. I have a picture of them right next to my bed, and it's the last thing I see before I turn out the light. How can it be that my mind, heart and body haven't gotten used to it? My physical body came apart over the last two years, and as painful as that was, the brain adjusts to it, and it doesn't seem as intense. Why doesn't that work for this?

I've not dated, at least not seriously. It's not that I didn't have the chance; I've met some wonderful women, but for one reason or another it didn't happen. I made up my mind that my kids wouldn't be kids for long, and I was going to focus my time and energy on being their Daddy. People don't like that, for some reason, and they think you're lonely, and want to help with that. But every minute with those kids is so valuable to me that I don't like to let one go by. It wouldn't be fair to a woman to have a relationship that way. And honestly, I don't want to answer to anyone when it comes to my kids. They'll outgrow weekends with Daddy, and I'm aware of that, and maybe then I can think about other things.

It hurts a lot, and it doesn't get better. I'm assuming it never will, but the way I'm doing it now is the best pain relief I can have.

There's more to this, but I think I'm done for now.