BBQ or "Grilling"

Ok, hi there! I need to address something.

Nice quiet Sunday, sitting around loafing, watching some Sunday TV. I hit upon the Food Network, and some Lady on there invites her friends over for a BBQ, only she's BBQing homemade pizzas.

HOLD IT!
You do not BBQ PIZZA!
STOP IT!
STOP IT NOW!

I have been watching a whole lotta things getting ruined in this country. Tradition is dead. Nothing is sacred anymore! But I cannot sit and allow my most cherished tradition to be killed without putting up at least a little bit of a fight.

The Foo-Foo people are ruining everything with their "designer" beer, bottled spring water and "expressive" cooking. I saw one lady adding crushed hot pepper to chocolate cake mix. That, my friends, is just wrong. It's time to take a stand, and for me, that stand is in front of my BBQ grill.

In these parts, I'm the King of BBQ (and I have the burn scars to prove it!)I am a BBQ Purist. If you come to my place for a BBQ you will find such things as:


Cheeseburgers


Hot Dogs


BBQ Chicken


BBQ ribs


BBQ'd Steaks


Kebabs



sometimes Knockwurst or


Bratwurst


Burgers are meant to be served with cheese, ketchup, maybe sliced tomato or onions. Bacon-cheeseburgers don't typically qualify as BBQ food because, if you're an idiot like me and tried throwing bacon on the grill, you know that doesn't work well. But if I see you trying to top my burger with something like "bruschetta", or "chutney", or "mango mayonnaise" (what the heck is that, anyway?), you're gonna get your hand smacked.

Yes Sir, Yes Ma'am, you'll see nothing but traditional BBQ foods when you get the invite over here.

What you won't see on my BBQ are such things as:






because those are not BBQ foods. Those are GRILLED foods, and they are interlopers with no place at the table of a BBQ purist!

You might see


on the tables to snack on. What says "American" more than a handful of potato chips that don't even crunch when you bite them, or pretzels that bend without breaking? You gotta love humidity-enhanced snack foods.


Putting this
on the table just makes me weep.

For the BBQ purist's side dishes, there is a selection of such things as:
Baked beans


Potato salad


Cole slaw


Macaroni salad


This:

is an abomination. They even have a Foo-Foo name..."grilled veggies". Barf. Imagine the look you'd get if you pulled over at one of those Roadside BBQ joints and asked for "a side order of grilled veggies, please?"
You might be leavin' in a big hurry.

Now look, I'm not gonna say that some of those Foo-Foo foods don't taste just fine. I'm sure they do, in the right setting. Foo-Foo grilled foods are why Jenn-Aire invented the indoor grill, because "grilling" is a cooking method.

BBQing is a lifestyle, baby, and one that I'm not ready to let go of just yet. So back off!!!!!!!!