I wrote the other night about unexplained insomnia. It happens to us all. Then there's the other kind. When you know why you're awake, and still can't do anything about it.
I'm having a "pity party" spell. I'm glad these don't happen too often, because they don't feel too nice. But I've been studying intensely for quite a few days, and I guess I jumpstarted my brain, and then revved it a little too high.
Right now, I'm at the end of one of those self-evaluation sessions, and the end wasn't too happy. I can't say I'm a great person, by any means, but I do believe I'm ok. Maybe even decent. I've hurt people, and I know it. The only thing I can say to defend that is that I've never done it intentionally. I was raised well, by good and decent parents, and I like to think I inherited some of that decency. I always tried to live by the "code", and always try to do the right thing.
Yet, everything I've worked for, created, is gone. I'm at a point now where I should be resting on the laurels just a little bit, and instead I'm trying to figure out how to restart my life. I'm making notes on what I've done wrong, and how to avoid it in the future. Only a lot of the things I've done on my way to here were the things I've considered "decent". So what now, do I start living a life doing less-than-honorable things? I'm alone. I don't like to be alone, at least when I don't have a say in the matter.
I've seen so many examples of where being decent doesn't pay off. I've watched the bad guys do whatever they want, and the good girls give them chance after chance to hurt them again. I have someone in my life who only seems to respond to meanness, selfishness, and unkindness. Is that how I want to be with someone?
All I know is, none of those bad guys are alone tonight.
I'm sick of being who I am. I'm always the back-up plan, the one they come to only when everything else falls apart. When there's nothing else to do, or when they need something. And it sucks, if you'll pardon the crudeness.
Yeah, I guess this will pass. Until it happens again.
Yeah, girls say they want the nice guy, but they don't really.
ReplyDeleteThey want the nice guy to take care of hers and the bad guy's kids while they go off for a picnic somewhere.
~Tusk
It's ok to have pity parties; I've certainly had my fair share.
ReplyDeleteYou are 'decent people'. You're thoughtful, considerate, and genuine. You're also intelligent, witty, and you try to do the right thing. These are qualities that count, even if they don't matter to a select few who really aren't worth it in the long run. It seems to me that girls who seek out the 'bad guys' end up on a perpetual cycle of getting hurt and will never find true happiness. Yet, they don't know how to break that cycle. I would sever ties with such people just enough so that you are not caught in the middle and hurt yourself.
People who are not decent are not happy deep down. They are missing something in their lives and seek unhealthy or dishonest lifestyles because they are fooled into thinking that will bring them more happiness. Eventually it hits them like a ton of bricks, and they realize their lives are empty.
It's normal to reflect on our lives and make necessary changes for the better. The struggles we all face shape us into the people we are. Keep doing what you're doing. I think you're swell (how do ya' like that cheezy word?)
Hey John. Thanks for knowing the pain :)
ReplyDeleteThis is one of those things that you come back to the next day, and wish you hadn't written it.
ReplyDeleteBut, Kristen, I'm glad I left it, to hear what you had to say. That's the second time in a week you made a difference with your words.
Thank you.
Don't go over to the dark side Jimmy!! There are so many women out there wondering why in the world they can't find a decent man to hold them at night, to cherish their tender feelings, and who won't walk out and leave them shattered behind.
ReplyDeleteAdmittedly women are stupid, me included. I'll be the first to admit. We don't understand ourselves, how in the world can we expect the opposite sex to understand us?
Even I can see the "lure" of the bad boy. But I think the real reason we see bad boys as attractive is because we mistake it for confidence and assurance.
There's a subtle difference between cocky and selfish and confident and selfless; yet one is good and one is bad. Both are attractive. Only one is sustainable in a relationship.
Hang in there, there's a reason there are a whole host of songs like "Save the Best for Last" written. Sometimes it takes us a while to see what's been right in front of us all along.
PS In my experience when people only respond to meanness, it's because inside they think they deserve it.
ReplyDeletemaybe it's time to stop being the rescuer, and surround yourself with people who dont expect anything but a nice decent guy and good company. ya know? you don't need to rescue someone who responds to meanness, you need someone without the baggage in the first place, you can't have healthy relationships with unhealthy people. netti
ReplyDelete