The First Web-Trick I Ever Learned! (years ago)

Stupidicity

Hi Folks,

Couple of things running through my head tonight.

Researchers have revealed that moderate drinking, coupled with moderate exercise, can reduce your risk of heart attack. They define "moderate drinking" as 2 glasses of wine, but they should know better than to say something so vague, as you know there's some guy out there filling a 900 oz glass twice a day. These new guidelines will stay in place until July, 2009, when they reveal that this combination will actually kill you.

But till then, drink up.

---

Remember the name "Jenna"...

I only have one bet for the Super Bowl. I don't "gamble" in the traditional sense, as in dollars and sense, but I do love my bets. This one has me, with the Giants, against Jenna, with the Patriots. Jenna lives here in my area, so just the fact that she's a traitor was enough to get my blood boiling, and draw me into the bet. I was so fired up I didn't even realize what I was getting into. She and I have entered into another "Winner Says, Loser Does" bet (aka a "Honey Do" bet) and she has presented me with a pretty formidable "To Do" list which will keep me very busy should the Giants lose.

Which they won't.

I'm that sure.

But just in case, remember that name. If I disappear a while, that's whose work I'll be doing.

---

Rudy and John Edwards dropped out. We're getting closer to Hillary. And I'm now going to try and go to sleep with that thought in my head.

Nice.

Oh, and I still miss Meta.

So nice to turn the corner and get hit with something nice!

My friend Kristen bestowed a "You Make My Day" Award upon me. How cool is that? Somewhere in this pile of nonsense I call a Blog, someone finds something that makes her day. I don't think I could want more than that. Thanks so much Kristen.

Now to share the award with a few new names that probably haven't been mentioned enough in here.

• My Friend H. who keeps mostly to herself, but writes with such talent.


• Lily, oh Lily, lol. (lotta L's there). She does make my day, when she gets around to writing, dammit!


• Chosha, you rock :) and I don't even feel lame-o saying "you rock" when it applies to you!


• Diesel will probably laugh at me for handing him one of these, but, well he cracks me up with his entries, so, that counts, right?


• And some new friends over at these Blogs: My Life, Oh! How Lovely, my second friend named Nancy over at Nancy's Nonsense Of Nothingness, Rachel #1 at That Night, and Rachel #2, (I don't think she wants her link shared), and last, but not least, Courtney, who runs her own celeb magazine over at Your Celebrity Source. Thanks guys, you all make my day in one way or another, so tag this award on your blog!

Justrandi and Eden, you already got awards, or you'd be getting them here!

Kid Laugh

My kids have gotten way too used to me. I don't quite have that element of fear thing going, ya know? I mean, don't get me wrong, when I go all Sasquatch on them, they keep clear, but I don't have that edge like a Drill Sergeant in Marines Boot Camp much anymore.

Tonight I reached into the highest cabinet in the kitchen for the electric knife. And in that cabinet, I've gotten into the habit of stuffing everything I don't have another place for. So yah...

Avalanche!

None of the stuff is breakable, but there was a lot, and it made a hell of a racket.

I thought my kids would need to be resuscitated after that laugh. I guess it was the sudden racket, coupled with the fact that it was me getting avalanched on. YaYYYyy!

Anyway, I made them eat liver and onions after that.

Hospitality

When we think of hospitality, we usually think of good food, drink, a comfortable chair or bed. It's all about feeling good and at ease, right?

There's another kind of hospitality that is way underrated. It's the kind that reaches out and touches your soul. It's never showy, because most outside observers aren't really aware that it's going on. Extending that kind of hospitality is truly one of the most unselfish acts there is. When you're on the receiving end, that kind of hospitality can make you see things the way they really are. It can make you believe that life isn't so bad. And it can make you take a step back from your daily routine and say "thank you".

What's funny is that the people who extend this courtesy would never take credit for doing anything too great. And that's what makes it great.

I'm feeling pretty lucky tonight. And refreshed. All because some people cared enough to extend some hospitality to me. Thank you so much. It really mattered today.

And It's Good!

Oh me is one happy Lippy at the moment. Very happy. I got an exciting, well-played game, and my team WON! I get to root for a team in the Super Bowl! How very cool is that?

Party at Lippy's - Two weeks from today. Bring chips!

A Step Off The Path...

Me again.

I don't usually do those "meme" things. But Ms Kristen tagged me recently,(ok it was a while ago but we know me) and when she talks I LISTEN! But it also seemed like I was overdue to play along on one of these badboys. So here goes...

A- Attached or Single? Somewhere in between at the moment, I think. The way life is lately, I don't think I'D like me too much. So I don't want to inflict that kind of ugliness on some nice Lady.

B- Best Friend? I can honestly say there's about a 10-way tie for that spot, and I'm going to keep it that way! Cause they'd kill me otherwise.

C- Cake or Pie? 99% of the time, cake. If they ever figure out how to bake a pie into a cake, I'll be in huge trouble, (pardon the pun)

D- Day of Choice? Saturday. Lately, it's generally the only day of the week where I get 5 minutes to myself. And a hot shower with actual hot water.

E- Essential Item? T-Mobile Sidekick. Essentially the perfect Geek Toy.

F- Favorite color? Blue. Without the black, of course.

G- Gummy Bears or Worms? Worms are nasty. I hate digging them up, so I'd have to say I prefer Gummy Bears.

H- Hometown? New York City, NY. Or is it NY, NY? I haven't been there in a while.

I- Favorite Indulgence- cooking for people who like to eat something other than Mac n Cheese.

J- January or July? July. July. July. It's hot then. And you don't have to shovel heat.

K- Kids? 3 of my own, and occasionally 20.

L- Life isn't complete without? Some good ol' Blog/Journal time. It keeps me sane. Or at least stops me from harming anyone.

M- September 15, 2008. (inside joke, thanks.)

N- Number of Brothers and Sisters? 3 Brothers 1 Sister.

O- Oranges or apples? Oranges.

P- Phobias or fears? Fear of heights, which is what you write when you can't think of the right term for "fear of heights"

Q- Quote? Hmm, I think my quote would be, "Rich or poor, it's nice to have money"

R- Reason to smile? Honestly, no one makes me smile like my kids.

S- Season of choice? Garlic.

T- Tag three friends or family. Let's see......Michele, Nancy, Holly.

U- Unknown fact about me? I was once the President of the United States.

V- Vegetable? Spinach. A lot of Popeye cartoons as a kid.

W- Worst habit? I can never write anything "short and sweet". Everything I put down in words is way overextended, when I know I should really just get to the point and not fill up a page with long run-on sentences that are completely devoid of punctation or grammatical structure and I am going to stop now thanks!

X- X-ray or ultrasound? I am neither.

Z- Zodiac sign? NO LEFT TURN Taurus.

Dummage

I get this urge to write "recaps" now and then, because nothing contained within is worthy of its own entry. So it's more fun to smash 'em all together into one pile of dummage.

"Edgy" Lady and I agreed that "edgy" doesn't work for me. I'm too Stupid to be edgy.

I got bit by a dog today. In a pet store. Ungood.

Luckily, the dog's teeth sank into one of my Forrest Gump leg braces, so he got the wrong end of that deal. The brace is fine. Good workmanship. The lady yelled at ME for "startling her dog". Now I'm no Zac Efron, but I didn't think I was so ugly that I'd make a dog want to bite me. Now I have to re-think that theory. I was a little mad that the lady blamed me for her dog biting me. Good hard bite, too. The dog was an English Bull Terrier, which Budweiser once used as Spuds McKenzie. But they have a hard bite. Oh well, no harm, no foul. And no Milkbone for that little $#@$#@$. The store lady asked me if I wanted help. I thought she meant finding my dog food. I'm not bright.

Which reminds me of Thursday. I was putting a luggage carrier on the car of an elderly neighbor and it wasn't easy. Then I got hit with a rock. I turned, ready to fight someone, and I see a little girl standing there laughing. This is the second time in my life I got attacked by a girl 1/10th my size, with a rock. And she had another one ready to fly. I'm 6'4, 230 pounds, and I was again at the mercy of a 5 year old girl, and no parent in sight. I talked her out of any more target practice.

I offered the following as suggestions for Vanity Plates to the Motor Vehicle Commission:

They didn't take me up on them. Now I'll probably get a lot of tickets, too.

TIP OF THE DAY:

When making Jello, follow the damned instructions, unlike me. If you make it wrong, you get a big bowl of red water that doesn't get hard unless you freeze it, but then it's just ice. And who wants that? Oh, and no one will buy your BS that it's gazpacho, either.

My friends informed me today that they've decided I give the world's best foot massages. Yeah, terrific. What a talent. Normally I don't mind a compliment of any sort, but this kinda ties in to the whole "The reward for good work is always more work." thing. Lucky me.

Oh and, although we are a carbon-based life form, we cannot survive by eating coal. It just makes you break your teeth, and you can't digest it, anyway. I only mention it because I left my grilled cheese sandwich on the stove too long today. Now despite being raised with the whole "waste not, want not" ideology, you just cannot make any nutritional use of anything that hard and burnt. Just wait a couple of minutes before picking it up to throw it away. Hardness does not reduce temperature.

I'm just full of sage advice tonight, huh?

Taking All Bets!

The Giants are making me happy lately. Tomorrow they play for a spot in the Super Bowl.

I always make bets (fun bets, mostly for bragging rights, no ca$h thanks!) that I typically lose. Over the years, those bets have transformed into something like "Winner Says, Loser Does" type of things. In the past I've had to cook meals, run someone's errands for a month, things like that.

This is one bet I don't want to lose. I want the Giants in the Super Bowl. Really I do. But as always, I have to say, "The Giants will win tomorrow, or else I will have to _ _ _ _ _ (that's where the people taking the other side of the bet fill in their terms.

Feeling lucky? Hmm??

I love the bets, but I want the Giants in!!!

Short Brainshort

I wonder if this is what they meant when they said my writing needs to be more "edgy"...

The Edge

A friend told me that my writing should be more "edgy". I'm not sure exactly what that means.

If it means "cool" I'm in trouble.

But I think I might know.

I just wonder if it means instead of saying I don't like my neighbor, I should write that he's the kind of guy I'd like to see sticking about halfway out of an alligator's mouth. Or saying that I wish a bunch of very healthy, wealthy people would start their own country so Hillary Clinton could go there, run it, and brag how her health care system rocks, and nobody is broke.

I know I've been laying off the "Stupid" stuff somewhat, but maybe I need to write more about how, say, the dumber you are, it appears, the higher you can rise in the NY State government. I mean, who could forget the genius who's now in the Governor's chair.

I think about how, if you grab a handful of pebbles and throw them at the wall, you're bound to hit it with at least one. I mean, if I watch an hour's worth of "ER" on NBC, I may not be a doctor, but if pressed, I might be able to rattle off at least one medical phrase, like maybe "myocardial infarction" or something. Then I think about this interview with a woman who said, "If I hadn't a came to the hospital, I dunno what I woulda did". Ok so where the hell do you learn to speak English so badly that you break every grammar rule in the space of one sentence? I mean, somewhere, sometime, someone had to teach at least one proper use of a word or phrase, no? Or are the schools really that lousy now?

I'm not sure, but I think being edgy causes me to get a little irritated and grumpy, and if "edgy" means "grumpy" we could very well be on to something. "Grumpy" I'm good at.

If "edgy" is the way to go, I'll be on a roll. I'll be all ready to go for the next installment when I wonder why it seems that so many so-called "adults" in this country have brains that now appear to have been permanently frozen at the 4th-grade level. I chose that increment because we know from that show that there are a whole lot of 5th Graders who are much smarter than some grown-ups.

Something for me to start thinking about. I'll need some Tums, though, thanks

Some Upside To The Mundane

Lately, there's been a lot of downtime in my life.

Quiet time.

Quality time.

Whatever you want to call it. The hours are weird, and the offerings are slim.

But, ya gotta love DVR. I've been able to catch some shows I thought I'd like, and I have liked them. Aren't ya thrilled!?!?

The Geek in me is loving the FOX offering, "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles". I'm really diggin' the mindless fun. And the special effects. It's just fun.

And I'm beyond being embarrassed...at that point in my life where I don't worry so much about appearances, so yeah, I admit I like "American Idol." I like the whole season, and I even vote. I wasn't a big fan of the whole Sanjaya or whatever he was called thing last season, and if you weren't either, get involved at my site: Vote For The Best

I just wish there were a safe way to do something other than driving when behind the wheel. I've been driving so much lately, and it gets soooo boring. But, gotta pay attention, right?

OK that's it for now.

Learning...NOT

When they have movies about disasters, earthquakes, tidal waves and such, part of the thrill comes from watching that one guy who is standing and facing imminent death, but at the last minute, somehow dodges the bullet.

I'm getting tired of living like that.

I don't know why I don't learn, but I don't. I do the same thing every time.

Tomorrow I have upward of twelve people coming to dinner, a twice-postponed Christmas celebration. And as usual, I'm about 5% prepared.

So as usual, I will be out at the stores, cursing them for what's sure to be inventory shortfalls consisting of only the items I need, and trying to get back here in time to sort it all out. My youngest daughter has basketball in the morning at 8:30, so that's my way of guaranteeing that I'll be awake, up and running.

But...that lava flow is coming awfully close...

RUN!

Something Fatty Going On...

Wait a minute...WAIT A MINUTE! Everywhere I go, I see people hauling around entire reservoirs of water, folks essentially eating nothing more than rabbit food, fancy bottled sports drinks, vitamin waters, rice cakes and worse. Everyone is either going to, or coming from, the gym. I see thousands of exercise equipment infomercials, diet plans, diet foods.

Now I'm sitting in the doc's office the other day, and the reading material on the tables is littered with countless articles about the national obesity epidemic.

Mention McDonald's, people will screw up their faces and say something like, "Ugh, I never eat there..." No one eats pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers, cake or ice cream anymore, despite the fact that some of the companies producing this kind of stuff are doing quite nicely on the bottom line. And I can assure you that White Castle isn't making $25 million dollars off of me alone. The typical American Daily Diet seems to consist of sawdust for breakfast, some lawn clippings for lunch, and a nice can of steam for dinner.

Week after week, People magazine has amazing stories of amazing weight losses, the airwaves are full of shows like "The Biggest Loser". It seems like every single human being on earth is on a diet.

So where is this "epidemic" coming from? Who's fat, for crying out loud?

We get no help from The Nutrition Gurus, folks. Remember a few years ago when they told us that eating eggs was only slightly less dangerous than eating the muzzle of a shotgun? EVERYONE EAT MARGARINE, they told us. Then trans-fats happened. They made a valiant attempt with artificial "fat" (Olestra, anyone?) but that made people poop their drawers, so scratch that. Although they're still making meals unappetizing, having transformed "meat and potatoes" to "protein and starch". Yum.

I'm thinking somewhere, somebody is either full of you-know-what, or there are a lot of people who are "closet eaters"!

All this organic food...is it being treated with the organic fertilizer generated by all the phony dieters?

I need to understand how, with this national obsession with caloric intake, we're now fatter than ever!

Talk to me, people.

I did lose 7 pounds since Christmas, by the way. Think I'll celebrate with some pie a la mode now...

Look What I Did...

Look what I did. All I had to do was take the umbrella out of the table, carry it to the garage, come back with the cover and put it on the table.

I was thinking maybe I could make this a cool story, like how I'm a rogue spy and came under fire out in back. But no, you all know better. I dumbed. Ungood.

But at least I managed to cover the BBQ without blowing it up.

Yet.

The Stupidsheet Foundation

I think the time has come. There are so many studies out there, that when complete, don't do anyone a bit of good! There are Think Tanks all over this country, and they produce such studies as the one that said Jessica Alba has the best Female walk. Umm...great.

We need studies that can solve real problems. (Such as, what, truly, is the definition of a "real" woman? Are there actually artificial women walking around?) We need to start putting an end to the things that plague our everyday lives, and those are the ones we'll try to identify, study, and offer solutions for here at The Stupidsheet Foundation.

And we're going to have a big launch here today. We're going to head right for the stars, swing for the fences and go for the big stuff. No wimpy studies here. So let's get crackin'.

What we're going to do, right now, is get to work solving a problem that's a bane to all of us. We're going to go upstairs and completely disassemble the shower stall. We are convinced that, somewhere in with the fiberglass, grout, tile and chrome is a device that causes the telephone to ring the minute you step in. If one is waiting for an important call, the only way that phone will ring is if you're in the confines of that stall.

"Why not just go up and stand in the shower fully clothed, Mr. Stupid?" is what you might be asking. But, no, we're certain that the embedded device is only activated by a nekkid body, running water and shampoo in the eyes. So we're all over it. Or, "Why not just take the phone in there with you?" - believe us: the phone just breaks, or if it doesn't immediately, you spend the first five minutes explaining to the caller just what that noise is in the background. No, this problem goes way beyond the obvious, and we're going to nail it down. But, read on!

We're going to couple this study with another one that touches on the Para-normal. We're going to identify key people, and then identify what's in their brains that tells them it's time to call at the very worst possible moment, so that this specific brand of ESP can be identified and eliminated forever!

Ambitious stuff here, folks. We're going to be working really hard to get to the root of these problems. We'll keep you posted!

Late-Night TV and...

I've had some major sleep problems lately - falling asleep, staying asleep - but tonight I dozed off good and early. Then someone woke me up to ask me if I wanted the light on or off. That reminded me of the hospital one time where the nurse woke me to give me a sleeping pill.

I did my best not to swear a whole lot, but now it's going on 2 AM. Not a lot to do at that hour so on went the TV.

First up was a news story about a window washer who fell 47 stories and survived. Given the hour, I wasn't sure I heard that right, so I looked it up. It was true. You can check it here!

Then I saw a program where Maureen McCormack was visiting. McCormack, in case you don't know, played "Marcia Brady" on "The Brady Bunch". She announced that she is now 51 years old.

Sigh.

There's nothing worse than watching someone prepare exquisite Southern Fried Chicken at 2 AM, knowing that if you did that now, those guys in the white coats would be taking you for a ride. So it's time to try and go back to sleep.

Some Old Fashioned Ingenuity...

I see things go on and I sit and wonder, then come up with these awesome suggestions, solutions, etc.

Now, nothing is foolproof. I know that there's an exception to every rule. But I thought about the sex tapes that always wind up on the Internet, against the will of at least one of the stars, you know?

So my Tip Of The Day concerning sex tapes is, if you don't ever want your tape to appear on the Internet, don't make one!

Brilliant?

I was also thinking about all these folks around here who complain when they get unfair jail sentences and the like. Now again, nothing is guaranteed, but I'm thinking that one of the best things you can do to avoid an unfair prison sentence is, don't commit a crime!

Sheer genius, huh?

Over And Over

I've long since come to terms with Internet Advertising. In reality, it's what drives much of the content, much as the way our commercial television is paid for. I've embraced it, I believe it's necessary, and any of us who use "free content" or services, have to accept that it's part of doing business on the Web. Someone has to pay for this Blogger service, just as they do over at AOL.

And the same goes for television. We want TV, we deal with commercials.

I think my only real problem with television advertising is how it seems to be presented lately. One local cable provider here, Cablevision, has branched out into Internet and internet phone. They've improved their cable TV service by converting it to digital format. That's fine.

But what they're doing lately is a big push for the bundled phone/internet/tv package, which they call I/O. They have an incredibly irritating commercial, which is only the beginning. What's putting me out of my mind is that they present this commercial on nearly every break. (think about how often a regular show "goes to commercial"). It ran 12 times in an hour and a half this morning.

And the NY Times is also running a commercial with the same frequency. They're offering a special rate for Weekend subscriptions. But it ran 11 times in that period. I get it, folks, but because of those two commercials, I'm definitely NOT going to order the Weekend Times, nor am I going to buy Cablevision's Triple Play.

Do you think that's what they wanted to accomplish?

My Annual Encore

While I sit thinking of something worthwhile to write, I'll offer this encore presentation of a previous moment of brilliance idiocy.

For some reason, I have a map of the US Time Zones. It's pretty large, and neatly folded. I don't remember buying it, and I'm not sure how it got in my closet. But it fell off the shelf when I was looking for something totally unrelated.

Anyway, I was looking at it, and I was wondering about something: the borders of the time zones are illustrated in distinct color patterns, and they are fairly clearly defined. What I was wondering is, how small an area actually separates the zones? Are there places in the US where one side of the street it's 8 PM and you go across the street and it's 7 PM?

How cool would this be? You miss a TV program that you wanted to see. You get home as it ends at 9, and you're all mad that you missed it. But wait! It's 9 in my house, but it's only 8 at Larry's across the street! You could run over and bust in, commandeer his TV set, and watch your program! Happy Happy Joy Joy!

And this coolness doesn't have to be limited to something as trite as a TV program. No, you could make some serious use of this time-advantage. Look: you roll over in bed, it's 8:30 AM. Dammit, you're an hour late for work now! But no! Again, it's over to Larry's! Jump in bed, roll over...it's 7:30! You've got plenty of time! And if Larry is a congenial neighbor, he won't kill you for being in bed when his wife is there, and hell, you have time for a leisurely breakfast to boot.

Of course, if you live on one side of the zone, and your job is on the other side of the zone, and you're me, you'd be out of work in no time, because you'd never figure out what time you have to get up and go.

I actually do have too much time on my hands