Wait a minute...WAIT A MINUTE! Everywhere I go, I see people hauling around entire reservoirs of water, folks essentially eating nothing more than rabbit food, fancy bottled sports drinks, vitamin waters, rice cakes and worse. Everyone is either going to, or coming from, the gym. I see thousands of exercise equipment infomercials, diet plans, diet foods.
Now I'm sitting in the doc's office the other day, and the reading material on the tables is littered with countless articles about the national obesity epidemic.
Mention McDonald's, people will screw up their faces and say something like, "Ugh, I never eat there..." No one eats pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers, cake or ice cream anymore, despite the fact that some of the companies producing this kind of stuff are doing quite nicely on the bottom line. And I can assure you that White Castle isn't making $25 million dollars off of me alone. The typical American Daily Diet seems to consist of sawdust for breakfast, some lawn clippings for lunch, and a nice can of steam for dinner.
Week after week, People magazine has amazing stories of amazing weight losses, the airwaves are full of shows like "The Biggest Loser". It seems like every single human being on earth is on a diet.
So where is this "epidemic" coming from? Who's fat, for crying out loud?
We get no help from The Nutrition Gurus, folks. Remember a few years ago when they told us that eating eggs was only slightly less dangerous than eating the muzzle of a shotgun? EVERYONE EAT MARGARINE, they told us. Then trans-fats happened. They made a valiant attempt with artificial "fat" (Olestra, anyone?) but that made people poop their drawers, so scratch that. Although they're still making meals unappetizing, having transformed "meat and potatoes" to "protein and starch". Yum.
I'm thinking somewhere, somebody is either full of you-know-what, or there are a lot of people who are "closet eaters"!
All this organic food...is it being treated with the organic fertilizer generated by all the phony dieters?
I need to understand how, with this national obsession with caloric intake, we're now fatter than ever!
Talk to me, people.
I did lose 7 pounds since Christmas, by the way. Think I'll celebrate with some pie a la mode now...