Monday, December 18, 2006

Power Struggle

Last night I arrived back at my apartment after a long absence. The first thing I noticed was that there were no lights on in the community. Not good. There was apparently some sort of accident that knocked out power lines earlier in the evening.

Electric heat suddenly isn't a good thing at a time like this. But that's not the power I want to talk about right now.

When it comes to who's really in control in this country (besides women I mean) you can look to the Government. But the power of our Elected Officials pales in comparison to the strength of the "Really In Charge".

Yes, I'm talking about the dreaded Shipping Companies. There are are three branches of power in the Government, but there are a few more players in the world of the "Really In Charge", UPS, FedEx, The USPS and DHL, to name a few. (DHL is a little scary, because you never quite get to see them, which is odd, considering how those yellow and red trucks would seem to be hard to camouflage, right? And who among us really knows what "DHL" means?)

So why do I think it's these folks who are really calling the shots around here? Consider this:

Imagine some branch of the US Government deciding that you were to be confined to your home on certain days for a period of 5 or so hours (now I'm not talking about house arrest or something like that). Just randomly telling you to stay inside the house and not to go out.

Oh, there would be protests, lawsuits, and a tremendous public outcry! The outrage, the injustice! The ACLU would beat a hasty path to your door.

But come home some afternoon and find the dreaded "Missed You" tag on the door, and suddenly the whole game changes. On that slip you'll see the time they tried to deliver, and below that, you'll see the time span during which they will attempt to re-deliver. That's usually a span of a few hours, by the way. If you want that package, you'll make whatever arrangements necessary to allow you to stay in that house and sit quietly waiting.

Why? Because on the last line of that little "Missed You" tag, it clearly states "Signature required for delivery".

You bought that item, you paid for the shipping, but here you sit, a captive in your own home, waiting for them to decide just when they're going to come visit you in the night.

And you know the're all set. You've got food, supplies, water, you're all good. Ready to wait it out. Nothing is going to make you miss that delivery.

Now while it's long been decided that the Government cannot inflict torture on its citizens for any reason, there are no such restrictions on Shipping Companies, and they know it. They'll send every truck on earth, from every company known to man, to drive loudly down your street that day, in intervals of about 2 minutes.

"Ooh, that him?"




They'll employ their Secret Agents that day. Yes, one by one, Operatives disguised as Brush Salesmen, Census Takers, and even Jehovah's Witnesses will all find their way to your doorbell. All to just keep you mindful of who's really running the game in your town.

And they use conventional torture methods as well. Sleep deprivation- that slip says "between 8 AM and two weeks from now"; and just think what would happen should you suddenly feel the Call of Nature. Can't risk being in there should that doorbell ring again, now, can we? And if you have a front and back door, oh Baby, you're in for it. Ever hear of someone running to death? It happens!

And sometimes, they've even been known to have an agent arrive at your home with no intentions of delivering anything whatsoever. He's going to sneak up to your door and hang that tag on the knob, and steal quietly away into the night, just so you know that you've got absolutely no say in this matter at all.

Ever see a dog or cat sitting completely still by the front door, awaiting the return of Master?

Just remember: they might guarantee delivery by 10:30 AM, they do not specify in which time zone that 10:30 AM applies.

They've got the Power.

One of the companies around here goes by the name "Guaranteed Overnight Delivery", and they've taken to labeling their trucks with the company's initials...that's right: G.O.D.

Makes ya think a little, doesn't it?

The worst part is, these folks never come up for re-election...

Whoa, I think I hear a truck. Gotta go. I hope it's the MP3 player I ordered, and not a fruit cake from Aunt Millie.


  1. Anonymous11:12 AM

    Well it seems to work for me :)

  2. HaHaHa I'm home all day almost everyday and I'll be in the shower everytime. It's a conspiracy I tell ya! I hope it was not the fruit cake ;)

  3. Just leave a note to have them leave it on the porch; that is if you trust your neighborhood. I'd be screwed otherwise--I'm never home during the day.

    I'd also like to add to that the repairman, cable guy, appliance delivery, etc. I love the '6 hour time window'--what a waste of a day.

  4. Emily2:56 AM

    oh geez i love waiting on things....pisses me off that mine hasnt even shipped yet though but trust me i'm standing post ;)

  5. I hear ya there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to listen for the truck. Literally--I'm waiting on a package from UPS of the main presents he asked for.

    Damn Toys R Us, for selling out of it--had to pay double for it on They're the same way as Sears. Damn them all to hell.

    Annie =)

  6. Anonymous2:01 PM

    You are SO right...and pretty damn funny how you tell us too.
    It's good to laugh at life's difficulties...or at least to know that it's not just YOU that they're messing with!


  7. Like the time frame of any plumber, electrician, whatever....We spend our lives waiting it seems!


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