Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Things They Do

I love my children.

Here, let me say that again. I love my children.

But they do things. Things that convince me that kids are the reason parents get old and die. Things that make me do things like talking to myself.

Some parents, when frustrated, mix up the kids' name.

I invent words: "I can't believe this. This is ungood!"

Ungood. Yes.

In the normal course of life, parents have to teach things to the kids by setting rules: "Don't run into the street"; "Don't play with matches!"

A normal parent shouldn't have to come up with rules like, "Don't butter the dishwasher!", "Don't peel your brother!"

But my kids come up with things to do. In particular, things involving computers.

I had to tell my kids not to unplug cables and wires from the computer. The same kids who don't want to walk the dog 300 feet, will mount this monstrous computer desk, squeeze their bodies into the 4-square-inch space back there, to unplug the pretty purple keyboard cable from the back of the computer.

"Why is the keyboard unplugged?"

"I wanted to see something..."

"See what, how the computer looks when you can't do anything with it? Maybe we'll take the tires off the car next?"

As a dedicated computer geek, I did think outside the box a little. I instructed my kids on some do's and don't's with computers...don't Instant Message with Myspace (too young) not click on hyperlinks in Instant Messages or emails, especially from strangers

Well my oldest got an Instant Message from someone she didn't know. There was a hyperlink in the message.

She, of course, clicked it, and unleashed a Trojan Horse the likes of which have not been seen since Odysseus. The computer languished, unusable, a veritable paperweight for months. Why?

We're all familiar with rhetorical questions, you know, the ones you ask but don't really expect an answer to. "Do I look like an idiot?" or "Did I not make myself clear?"

My rhetorical question that day was, "Where's the little packet with the system disks that came with the computer?"

Yesh, right. Enter the confused, quizzical looks on multiple faces.

This house I'm staying in has magazines dating back to the 1960's, toy parts to things we can't even remember or identify, but that little, tiny packet was a source of intolerable clutter, so, naturally, out it went.

Thanks only to the good people at Dell was I able to get the necessary disks replaced. That kept me from breaking a rule of my own: "No bungee jumping off the roof, ok?"

I remember as a kid my Mom saying, "You keep making that face, it's going to stay that way!"

Well, seems she knew what she was talking about. My face is permanently disfigured now, in what I can only describe as a cross between a confused grimace and a deep scowl.

'cause my kids do things


  1. LOL...your kids sound like kids...we decided to let the youngest have the old computer in his room...darn kid took it all apart to see what it looks like looks like a now dissected dead computer.....

  2. Anonymous1:06 PM

    You HAVE to know all parents of young children (myself included) are smiling widely as they read this, their own person recollections floating across their minds, thinking 'he MUST be talking about my kids...' all the while.

    This was so well written, Jimmy. You're not alone in your findings, but thank you for sharing them. I love the way your mind works!


  3. Anonymous1:30 PM

    Your kids sound like my grandkiddies ~ we lay down rules which they just love to try and break ~ havn't seen any pictures of you children lately I bet they have grown some since the last ones ~ Ally x

  4. Kids,can't give 'em away and ya can't kill 'em. You're stuck. May I suggest going around the house singing the lyrics to,"You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch" (stink, stank, stunk)

  5. If you had perfect, well behaved children, life would be boring. Just think of all the wonderful stories you will be able to share with them when they are older. Yes, I know, they give us plenty of grey hair, headaches, pain in various parts of our bodies....but trust me on this....You will have a lot to talk about, when they are older...Ü
    ooooooh...that gives me an idea for a new Journal. "Things our children have done"

    I hate to say this....but enjoy every minute of it.

    You should log it all & save it. Ü

    Here's to the wonderful memories of childhood~

  6. Anonymous2:40 PM a parent I can relate to this!
    I had to call Poison Control twice in a week when mine were daughter thought a gel pen exploding in her mouth would be cool and glow or something...and my son wanted to know what the liquid in those ice pack things for coolers tasted like. Why...because.


  7. Anonymous3:01 PM

    You are loving every minute of this and wouldn't have it any other way! LOL!

  8. Anonymous3:07 PM

    You really should be writing for late night, Leno, Letterman etc. Your stuff is better than most of theirs. Thanks for the free entertainment!

  9. Tiffany S.4:04 PM

    Too funny. Hope the paperweight is fixed. ;)

  10. Oh Jimmy, I aint got any kids but it rang so true. My neighbour went into his 12 year old sons rommand he was looking at monster mammories .com or something of that ilk. I guess the kid didn't listen to his Dad either!

  11. Missie5:22 PM

    I was laughing thru this whole entry. Been there! My son once turned all the keys on the keyboard upside down and mixed them up. My daughter likes to cut up her mouse pad into designs cause she get bored! LOL Kids, gotta love them though.

  12. Anonymous7:24 PM

    I this wasn't suppose to be funny but I laughed 'til I cried... kids... as my dearest sister use to say 'kids are stupid'. I firmly believe she was on to something. LOL
    PS... not your kids of course they just want to drive you nuts

  13. Have you ever seen 'Bill Cosby Himself'? That's what this reminded me of. A favorite quote: "All children have brain damage!" He also mentions the permanent disfiguration of the face. It's a classic.

  14. I couldn't help but giggle. Yes. Kids certainly DO do things... Oh my they do... My mother had a rule for me, "Don't climb the bookcase, ever ever EVER again!" I think that was the oddest rule we had. I climbed the bookcase when I was two. lol


  15. Betty6:51 AM

    Oh so true. You could be talking about my mother and kids :).

  16. Hehe - "ungood" is a great word! I'd like to hear other inventions.

  17. Ohhhh I SOOO know that feeling. I only have one so far. can you imagine when I have my other ones? Geeez!

  18. Ok...:::giggling uncontrollably:::...first, know this...I SOOO want to feel for you! Little imps...I have my own...'s nearly impossible when I'm laughing sorry, so very sorry...;) C.

  19. LMAO. That's like when I tell my kids, "don't call 911 unless it's an emergency". Lexi called 911, hung up, then called someone else (so the phone was busy). Next thing you know, there's a cop standing at my front door wondering what's going on. A year later, Joey decides to call, hang up, then not get the phone when they call back--they leave 3 messages on the machine...yayyyyy.

    Love the entry...looks like you have SOME of your sanity left....

    Annie =)


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