You Know The Type

This is something I'd been working on, then put aside. I think now that the Holiday Party Season is upon us, it might be fitting now to go ahead and publish.

When you're part of a large group of people, you'll probably encounter a number of "types". People who fit certain descriptions, who behave a certain way, no matter where you are. Let's run through the list quickly, shall we?

• The Grouch:There's always that one person who arrives in a bad mood, usually after most of the others arrive. They're wearing a scowl, they're usually mumbling about something negative. Traffic stinks, the government sucks, and the Internet provider is screwing them, yet again. Everyone seems to start walking on rice paper, trying to placate The Grouch.When they get near me, I usually show them my concealed weapon


• The Patient: always ready to recite the litany of medical woes that have befallen them. Can name diseases and conditions that you have never heard of, usually in anatomical order, from head to toe.When I run into Patients, I usually just play dead until they go away


• The It's My Party Girl: ready to dampen the mood with tales of her latest romantic disaster, canceled Engagement, and the like. Never fails to mention how bad men really are, and that if you're happy, it's just a matter of time. "They're all dogs!"When this one gets near me, I usually just growl


• The Born-Again: No, not the religious kind. This person was eating out of pig troughs two weeks ago, but thanks to a miserably-failed physical exam recently, is now on the path to righteousness and good health. That'd be ok, normally, but the Born Again wants to change your life now, too, and will inform you just how every single item on the buffet will cause you to suffer a hideous death.When this one gets in my face, I usually just do something like sneeze on their food and walk away


• Sporty: no, not the Spice Girl. This is the weekend warrior who is going to give you the latest news of the sporting events in their life. They coach, they play, you hear about it. All of it. They usually whine that they wish the host would turn off the music and turn on the TV so they can catch "the game". With this clown, I usually launch into how I won the Heavyweight Title of the World by knocking out Muhammad Ali in the third round. Then I leave.


• The Politico. No one really likes to talk politics, and most times people will avoid it. That is, unless Politico is present. This person will find any and every opportunity to begin spewing their nonsense. You could be telling a friend how you spent the afternoon trimming the rose bushes, and off he goes: "Speaking of Bush..." When this one gets started, I'll look behind them, scream "OH MY LORD!" and run.


• Bargain Person: always buys what you bought, but got it $50 bucks cheaper. They always, ALWAYS get a better deal than you, and they live to tell you that. I'll just say something like, "Yeah, well I can't believe that guy would say that about you" and walk away.


• The Anti-Person: no matter what comes up, they hate it. "Oh I can't be bothered with that crap..." "That movie sucked!" (the one that just topped $300 trillion in box office), "Only an idiot would do that!" You eventually realize that no matter what you do, you're "an idiot". I offer this person a soaking-wet hand in a handshake. Usually gives you time to walk away


• The Joker: you could be at a funeral for crying out loud, and this guy's got "a great one!" You get a 15-minute monologue, and then you have to do that "socially-polite" laugh. Ugh. I'll typically ask this person how long they've been fighting that illness...


• Can't Have That Person: Doesn't eat meat. Hates vegetables, looks for onion soda and is surprised you didn't buy some. Is lactose-intolerant, peanut-allergic; seafood makes him swell, popcorn upsets his diverticulitis, and he doesn't care for chocolate. Sushi is too risky. He wants soy milk for his decaf, he asks if the shaker is filled with sea-salt. Cakes give him heartburn, alcohol raises his blood pressure, and yet he still manages to stay alive. This one is actually a lot easier to accomodate than you think: just give him a bingo chip and a quart of motor oil and tell him to sit down and shut up.


• The Singer: has a singing voice that hits your skull like a dull drill, but insists on randomly bursting out in song at frequent intervals throughout the evening.Everytime someone like this opens up, I'll just start coughing very loudly


• The Contrarian: will take the opposite side of every opinion expressed, even if it means contradicting themselves several times through the day. Loves the Death Penalty at 9 PM, hates it at 11:30.When I've had enough, I'll say something like, "Didn't I kill you in Korea?


• But my personal favorite one is The Expert: knows everything about everything. You don't, and she's gonna educate the misinformed. All night. 'nuff said.

The weird thing is, these people are annoying, abrasive and flat-out unwelcome, yet they'll be there, somehow. Why is that?

Have fun noticing them next time you're out, ok?