Thursday, January 15, 2009

Clarity 1995-2000

Ma's death dealt a powerful blow to her family. We often hear about the Mother's role in being the central figure that keeps a family bound together, and this was one of those cases.

But now I think this stops being a retelling of those events of that time. The funeral and burial were very difficult, and the mourning was intense for each family member. And this is when things started to get difficult for my marriage as well.

B began to foster a resentment toward me, because I was actually with her Mom when she passed. I know that I had only done precisely what I was asked to do, but the resentment lingered and grew as well. To complicate matters for her, she was pregnant with our second child.

It's very difficult to explain this situation without sounding as though I am playing the victim. I really wasn't a victim, but rather someone who was just dealing with a situation. The victim was really B, who fell into the grips of a depression after her Mom passed. I firmly recognize the power of an illness like this, but it's not easy to deal with someone who has begun to see you as a sort of enemy.

In June, our son was born. What should have been a joyful event was quickly dampened by the effects of postpartum depression, which coupled with the existing depression B had been suffering previously. We had bought a home of our own, but she wanted to stay with her Dad and take care of him. We had our girl, who was barely 2 years old and we were still living with B's father until my son was born. B reluctantly decided that we needed to go home. I have to admit that it was a very scary time. I had a long commute to work, and had to be ever mindful of B's condition. She was in counseling, but I don't know how healthy that relationship was.

After every session with the grief counselor, there was a distinct chill to the air in our home. It turned out, as I found out later down the road, that the counselor was encouraging her feelings of resentment toward me, and in fact, justifying it. Needless to say, you probably have a good idea of what life was becoming like.

How to you show any kind of remorse, or even apologize for, doing something you had been directly asked to do? How do you defend yourself?


  1. Wow. I can see you would have felt helpless.

  2. With all due respect, that therapist was not healthy.....which is just a shame.

  3. I worried she might be resentful to you. As for the therapist..some of them must of graduated from the same school of point a finger. The first one after my deafness, tried to blame Paul for my stress and the reason I was coming undone. How wrong she was, Paul was the only solid thing I had in my life at that time. It would of been disasterous if I had listened to her, I was already suicidal as it was.

    I'm still listening dear friend! (Hugs)Indigo

  4. Good therapists are definitely hard to come by and what a tragedy because they have so much power over people in such fragile conditions.

  5. I hope that so called therapist not practicing any longer, unfortunately he/she probably is.

  6. How to you show any kind of remorse, or even apologize for, doing something you had been directly asked to do? How do you defend yourself?

    You can't Jimmy. All you could do was state the facts that you were only doing what you were asked to do...the rest unfortunately is up to the other person. There really wasn't anything you could do love.

  7. It sounds like a terrible time. Her depression and behavior were beyond your control, and that had to make you feel so frustrated.

  8. As a therapist myself, I can say that feelings are almost always justified. It's what one does with those feelings that needs to be worked through. And resentment is never healthy to hold onto for a long period of time.

    I also know that often, what the client brings home is not always what is actually said or relayed.

    It was B's responsibility to hold onto, or work through her negative feelings towards you. I have a hunch it had very little to do with you, but you were a convenient scapegoat.

    It's sad. And really sad that you (AND B) had to go through that.


  9. What a horrible situation to be in. Nothing you say would be correct.

  10. What a helpless situation you were in...


  11. Ugh, what a sad, hard place to be. There was no right answer for you to give, and the therapist obviously had his/her own agenda.

  12. What an awful time for all of you. To lose your mother while pregnant and hormonal is unimaginable to me. I am sure you were the daily target for all that grief.


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