Saturday, January 17, 2009

Moving Forward 2000

There are a lot of things we like to think about ourselves...opinions so to speak. It's very hard to accept that we cannot be what we perceive ourselves to be, and it's even tougher to accept that others might not see us as we would like them to. We work hard at creating our own image.

So you can figure it was tough for me to accept that the life I had built, the person I had become was gone. The rebuilding process was underway. I had always seen myself as a good, decent, loving husband. I worked hard at it. I was now separating from someone who'd become hateful and hurtful; and the venom was not only aimed at me. She'd made a policy of creating hurt among others close to her. The hard part was, when someone becomes like that, we typically dismiss them from our lives. I don't believe that her transformation was something she'd wanted to undertake, but she'd fallen in and out of depression, also suffered from (something we found out later) manic-depression. It was hard to walk away from someone who was ill, but I had to respect her wish for me to go, and also to protect myself.

Philosophically, I needed to come to grips with it. But as a person, I had to say, "Enough is enough." It wasn't my responsibility nor my obligation to be the object of her scorn and hatred. You can only kick the most loyal dog so many times, you know?

I had three kids to worry about. That would become my sole focus. I could rededicate myself as a father. I'd be virtually free to build relationships with my kids individually as well as a group, and they'd finally be able to see me as who I was. And they'd be free to make their own judgment of me, form their own opinions. While we were no longer one family, that wasn't necessarily bad: my kids now had two families, and I was determined to make mine the very best it could be.

It's funny that you think you're beyond being able to cry though.


  1. Beyond crying? No, my dear friend. Because in those hours we are alone, our emotions become floodgates sprung wide. Since I've been reading you, I've seen how much your kids mean to you. I imagine those hours of being away from them are the hardest. (Hugs)Indigo

  2. Glad you had the contact with your kids, that is key, one that I do not have at the moment.

  3. I am finally getting caught up with your entries! I am really enjoying getting to know you more! Linda

  4. You should never try to be beyond crying, Lippy. Those tears really do cleanse the soul. I never fail to feel better after a big long sob fest.

    It sounds to me your attitude was good and determined despite the turmoil in your life. We can all appreciate that.


  5. I hardly know what to say. Unfortunately people make decisions that can really hurt us. So sorry for the pain......

  6. I've been enjoying your latest posts of your life. You're one brave soul putting it all out there!

    Enjoy your weekend.

  7. Beyond being able to cry. That is a defense mechanism to not allow yourself to get so upset and you end up bottling it up inside. I'm glad you are doing all these entries. It tells us a lot about you and allows you to let a lot out. Have a happy Sunday, and hope you stay warm JP. Luv ya!

  8. I have to say I struggle at writing anything truly worthwhile, I mean this is your life, your heart written out here for us to read and why things don't work as you planned. Thanks for sharing and allowing "me"/us to know you in a better/deeper way.

  9. You're right. Enough is enough. After I left someone because of an intolerable situation, he called me up a few times...said, "I'm ill. I'm mentally ill. Whatever happened to 'stand by your man'?" I said, "I don't know. Whatever happened to 'treat her right'?"

    Enough is enough.

  10. No way can we ever be beyond crying when something hurts us. Those things that hurt us stay with us forever unfortunately. I find that I just try not to think about them...but I'm sure with you writing out your life story for us is bringing back a lot of old feelings and a lot of the tears too.
    I love you dear friend,

  11. I'm sorry to hear about your ex and the way things turned out. I'm glad you still have a lot of time with your children. You are a good dad. One day you will have a new love in your life and then the tears will stop. They did for me... it's hard going through divorce though all the same. And especially if there is venom involved. I'm very sorry to hear about that part.

  12. Jimmy you have hit me to the core with your thoughts, and writing...You have written what most of us feel deep inside...coming from a sort of "rude awakening" last night myself, I see with clarity what you are saying. It makes me so sad to know that you went through all this ( I have also read the past entries), but proud of you for actually making it through all the bad times and rebuilding your life.
    God bless you Jimmy.

  13. Just spent the last little while reading your entries (clarity). I take my hat off to you, dear Jimmy. It's not easy to lay all this stuff out there. I did mine in a private journal. It's nice to get to know you on a deeper level. I have you in my prayers. Blessings, Penny


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