Clarity 1995-2000

As I started to put this entry together, I thought about where I should go with the story. I realized that up until now, this has been pretty much narrative, and I hope that it hasn't been unbearable. I set out to show a little about how I have become the person I am, but I wanted to do it by just sharing the facts, the events as they happened, and let you make your own decision about it all created me. I'm really trying to stay true to that mission, so to speak, so I hope you'll indulge me just a bit more, for a little bit longer.

Things between B and I became very strained over the next 5 years. She struggled with various levels of depression and anxiety. I think we both paid the price for the malfeasance of the Grief Counselor who successfully created a huge rift between she and me; the postpartum didn't help, and life through a few more curves at us.

I took sick in late 1997, and struggled with that through the next couple of years. During that time we had one more child in 1999, my beautiful youngest daughter. I was going through the more intensive treatments at that time, so I was home from work for an extended time. B paid the price for having a third Caesarian section, and was laid up most of that time. It worked out fairly well, oddly enough, because I got to create a terrific bond with the baby as I did all the feedings, changings, and that bond is still going strong. It was one of those experiences that will stay with me forever.

But the undercurrent was still very much there, and very much negative. We grew farther and farther apart despite the baby's birth, and despite the fact that we were achieving financial success. Things should have been getting easier for us but they grew more strained and more difficult. We tried. B's mental state was extremely fragile yet volatile. I felt as though I would not be a good person if I turned my back on her; I'd not have done so were her illness physical. It was like being pulled in four directions.

I had to accept, though, that she'd fallen out of love with me, and that I'd become more an object of scorn than anything else. You can't make someone feel things they don't want to.

The time came in April of 2000. I'd never known true heartbreak before, and I can say that because I never felt the way I did that night I drove away from the place I called home, from the woman I'd vowed to devote my life to. The most painful part though, was realizing that my life with my kids was never going to be the same.