False Advertising

I get a pain in my left lobe whenever I see a sign on a business that promises something along the lines of "same day service", or "guaranteed overnight delivery". It makes me cry to think of something that's "absolute" because for every rule, there is an exception, and take a look at me, 'cause I'm the "1" that's always excluded from "9 out of 10".

I always remember that guy, starving, seeing the "Open 24 hours" sign on the diner, and running to the door. But the door is locked, and he says to the guy inside the door "but your sign says 'open 24 hours', " and the guy replies "yeah, but not in a row!"

I have been engaged in mortal combat with a place called "Ritz 1-hour Photo" since the days of cave painting. I did say that I hate "absolutes", but I can say, without a doubt, that "Ritz" has never, ever, ever delivered my photos in an hour. See the problem is, it takes them an hour to develop the film from the moment someone actually picks up the film cartridge and slides it into the machine. That's not to say that you're getting the film back an hour after you drop it off. But I guess "Ritz 1-hour-after-we-get-around-to-your-pictures Photo" doesn't look so good on the sign. And you see, I'm an idiot. Every time I go there, the same thing happens. Then I bitch and complain, and they give me a coupon for a "free developing", and I go right on back. And the whole thing starts over again.

These guys are clever, too, so I do give them kudos for that. See, the dry cleaners around by me offers "same day service". I went in on a Wednesday to get a suit cleaned for a Saturday wedding. Long story short, I paid for same-day service, but I didn't get the suit delivered back to me until the following Wednesday. And the counter guy told me that it was Wednesday, so technically, it was same day service. Same day of the week, anyway.

And FedEx, good GOD! One day, I needed to get a package delivered by 10 AM the next day. I went to the website, followed the instructions to the letter, and placed the package outside the door. Good to go. So you can imagine how I felt the next day when I went out to get the newspaper, and it was placed neatly next to the FedEx envelope I'd placed there the day before. Guaranteed overnight delivery.

And I swear on my honor, that when I called to complain, and asked about the guarantee, the woman on the phone told me that the "guarantee" only applied to packages that they actually PICKED UP! That answer was so ballsy, that I actually accepted it, and hung up. I know when I'm licked, believe me. Continuing that conversation would have guaranteed overnight delivery of my body to the morgue.

Now I saw an ad that said "overnight laptop repair".

You know me.

The next time I fire the laptop against the wall, I'll go to the desktop and go to that website, just to subtract a few more years off of my life.

I'll keep you posted.